


Play with Fire

by Chaos_Valkyrie



Category: Final Fantasy X
Genre: Crack, Other, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-05-31 03:44:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6454051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Valkyrie/pseuds/Chaos_Valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was to be a glorious prank war, one to go down in Pilgrimage history forever.</p>
<p>Or so Rikku and Tidus thought when they dared to prank Legendary Guardian, Sir Auron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Death Wish

**Author's Note:**

> This is a reposting of my most popular fic from ffnet. This is also me finally finishing my most popular story. What's published so far on ffnet has only had minor edits, so for anyone who has read it, don't worry about anything major changing.   
> Al Bhed translations are at the end.  
> Enjoy.

Chapter One: Death Wish

It was the last watch for the night, and Tidus and Rikku whispered lowly to each other in the flickering light of the campfire. The party had stopped in the Macalania Woods after a long day of fighting fiends. Tomorrow, they hoped to reach another Al Bhed travel agency by late afternoon and book rooms there for the night. Tidus was slowly catching Rikku up to speed on the events of the pilgrimage prior to her becoming a guardian.

“So then we’re getting ready to leave the Temple, and everyone was teasing Yuna about her hair,” Tidus whispered as Rikku grinned. “Even Auron. Of course, it wasn’t until much later that I realized that the only one really laughing then… was me,” he replied sadly. Rikku frowned.

“Why weren’t they really laughing?” she asked. Then she answered her own question, “Oh, of course, could it be that besides Yunie, none of these damn people have any sense of humor whatsoever?!” Rikku exclaimed as though she had just struck gold. Chuckling, Tidus shushed her as Wakka groaned in his sleep.

“Shh! We don’t want to wake anyone!” he mock-scolded her.

“Especially not Old Grumpful over there,” Rikku whispered, pointing to the massive bulk that was Auron’s sleeping form. Tidus grinned.

“’Rikku, if you don’t like the cold, why don’t you go back to the Thunder Plains?’” Tidus mimicked the older guardian’s voice perfectly, even going so far as closing his right eye and pull his jacket across the lower half of his face. Rikku giggled, falling off the log.

“That… was… perfect!” she gasped between fits of almost-silent giggles. Had any of the other party members awoken at that moment, they would’ve thought that she was having some sort of seizure. As it was, Kimahri merely grunted and rolled over in his sleep as Tidus kept both his hands over his mouth to stifle his own laughter. 

It was a good twenty minutes before the pair could look at one another again without bursting back into gales of quiet laughter. Rikku finally climbed back on the log, wiping her streaming eyes as she did so. 

“You know, I’m tempted to look at the Sphere Grid and see if there are any ‘Sense of Humor’ nodes that they’ve skipped over. I’ll bet there are,” she added, shaking her head. Tidus grinned.

“If only it were that simple,” he replied. His smile turned to puzzlement at the look on her face, like she had just pickpocketed the winning lotto jackpot ticket off someone. “Um, Rikku, you okay?”

Rikku nodded her head slowly. “What these people need is a good, healthy prankfest,” she said. Tidus choked.

“What?! Do you have a death wish?” he asked her, grabbing her shoulder and shaking it.

“And we’ll start with Ol’ Gloom and Doom,” she finished. “I still owe the big meanie for the way he treated me back at the Thunder Plains.” Rikku grinned, eyes twinkling in mischievous delight.

“You do have a death wish,” Tidus said, awed, his hand falling from her shoulder.

“And you’re gonna help me,” Rikku added, turning her bright green eyes on Tidus. His own eyes widened in panic.

“Nu-uh. I’m too young to die!” he whispered panickedly, raising his hands in self-defense. Rikku snorted.

“Oh come on! We’ll be perfectly safe – Yunie won’t let him kill us!” Rikku reassured him. As he still remained unconvinced, she switched tactics. “Pwease, Tidus?” she asked, frying him unmercifully with the Rikku Patented ‘Puppy Dog Eyes of Doom.’ She held her grin in check as she watched Tidus quaver and then break down in homage to the Look. Rikku grinned. If only she could get it to work on fiends, (and she had tried), she’d be more powerful than Lulu! If only…

“Buck up, Tidus. Think of it this way – we’re doing this for the betterment of the group.”

Tidus looked up. “Yuna did say she wanted her pilgrimage to be filled with laughter,” he added thoughtfully.

“And as guardians, isn’t it our duty to carry out our summoner’s wishes?” Rikku asked, grinning.

The two conspirators shook hands to seal the deal.

*****

Yuna looked over at her cousin in concern as Rikku yawned for the umpteenth time that morning. She fell into step beside the young Al Bhed, her head tilted as she regarded the mess of synth parts in her hands.

“What are you doing, Rikku?” she asked kindly. Rikku grinned, her eyes flickering towards Tidus briefly before answering.

“Oh, Tidus and I spent our watch discussing equipment customizations. I’m trying to see what I can rig up to ice-proof our armor,” she lied perkily as she juggled Ice Gems and various tools with her nimble fingers. Yuna smiled.

“That would be nice,” she said, shivering slightly. Rikku’s smile widened.

“I know. It’s cold enough here without adding the fiend’s abilities to the mix,” she stated.

Auron sighed from the front of the group. “Rikku, if you don’t like the cold…” he began, but he was cut off before he could finish by the wild laughter behind him. Actually stopping in his tracks, he turned and regarded both Tidus and Rikku hysterically laughing from where they had fallen on the ground. Yuna smiled at Auron, an involuntary chuckle emerging from her own mouth at the pair’s antics. Auron merely glared at the two before turning back around and marching stiffly past the other curious guardians.

Auron did not like being laughed at, especially when he had no idea why he was being laughed at, but he decided that for the moment he’d let it slide. They still had a ways to go before reaching the Travel Agency, and in any case, a tinkering Rikku was a quiet Rikku, which suited him just fine. How little did he know…

*****

“Oh, look! Its Clasko,” Yuna cried, running over to the Chocobo Knight where he stood tending his mount. The others followed her as Rikku nudged Tidus, tilting her head towards the inn. Tidus nodded and winked before joining the others.

Rikku casually stepped inside, then hurled herself across the room once the door was safely shut behind her. She jumped the desk, ignoring the confused shout from the desk keeper, and threw herself into Rin’s office. He looked up at Rikku, his expression quizzical at her hysterical appearance.

“Rin! Tuac Kehho cdemm fung rana?” she asked quickly. He nodded.

“Cra’c caaehk du dra nuusc zicd huf,” he answered slowly. He blinked as Rikku suddenly vanished. He shook his head and returned to his paperwork, used to such outbursts from the small Al Bhed girl.

Rikku, meanwhile, was running down the hall, frantically flinging open doors as she sought her old friend Kehho. After several screams (and an invitation) she found an open door with a curious blond head sticking out of it. 

“Rikku?” her friend asked in disbelief. Rikku grinned as the two girls, roughly the same age, hugged. Rikku pulled back quickly, however, and began to address her friend rapidly in their native tongue.

“Xielg, Kehho, lryhka lmudrac fedr sa!"

“Fryd?!”

*****

The rest of the party entered the Travel Agency, and immediately Tidus looked around for the blond Al Bhed. He spotted Rikku’s trademark orange shirt in a dark corner of the lounge area near the kitchen doors, already setting out the game board with her back to the others.

“Hey, Rikku! Ready for our game of checkers?” he grinned, striding over to the table. The older guardians shook their heads – Tidus and Rikku playing checkers was never a pretty, nor a quiet, sight.

Auron walked up to the desk. “We’d like some rooms, please,” he asked the woman politely, laying the gil down on the counter. The woman smiled at him, eyes twinkling.

“Here, sir, I have just the room for you,” she replied, handing him a key and smiling sweetly.

Meanwhile, Tidus sat down across from the blond Al Bhed and grinned.

“Kehho, I presume,” he asked, and the girl smiled back at him conspiratorially.

*****

Meanwhile, the real Rikku was humming the “Mission: Impossible” theme that she had learned from an old music sphere to herself as she applied the finishing touches to the “master prank”. She jumped down from the chair she had been using as a ladder and moved it back to its original spot. She then padded softly into the hallway, almost shutting the door behind her. A few quick proddings with her special pliers, and the door was safely shut and wired. She did a quick victory jig in the hallway before sprinting for the kitchens.

Luckily for Rikku, this particular Travel Agency was arranged in a circular fashion. She ran into the kitchen and peeked out the door towards the front desk where the other guardians were still talking. From behind the shelter of the door, she waved at Kehho and Tidus. Kehho quickly got up and entered the kitchen, carefully keeping her back to the front desk. The two girls quickly swapped clothes again, much to the amusement of the chef, who fortunately was Kehho’s mother. After grabbing two mugs of hot cocoa, Rikku walked back out and rejoined Tidus at the dark table.

Tidus jumped the last piece on Rikku’s side of the board and grinned. “We on?” he asked.

Rikku took a deeply contented mouthful of cocoa. “Oh, we’re on all right,” she replied.

*****

Auron walked past the reception desk, impatient to find his room. Not that he would ever admit it, but he couldn’t stand the cold weather. A long, hot soak was definitely in order. He snorted as he listened to Rikku and Tidus bicker back and forth over their game. A long bath, a hot meal, and a nice soft bed were definitely on the agenda for the evening, with a big dash of avoiding the two rambunctious youngsters. The thought brought a pleased smile to the older guardian’s face – not that anyone could see it past his extremely high collar, mind.

He reached his room and fit the key into the lock. He turned it, only to have the door jam on him. He grunted in annoyance, smile fading. He was certainly not going to be denied his long hot bath, not if he had anything to say about it. He jerked harder on the doorknob, throwing his shoulder against the door for good measure. The door jerked open, and he stumbled through the doorway. He heard a quiet clicking noise…

And was instantly buried up to his nose in six feet of magically produced snow and ice. After a moment of confused shock, his one eye narrowed as he looked over the doorway just in time to see what looked like a small machina self-destruct in a shower of silver glitter and clicking noises.

*****

Back in the lounge-slash-lobby, Wakka and Lulu talked lowly at a table set far away from the other members of the party. Tidus and Rikku bickered good naturedly over their game, while Yuna laughed over her own mug of hot chocolate next to them. Kimahri had stationed himself behind Yuna, quietly observing the game, which he too found entertaining.

However, all activity in the inn ground to a screeching halt at the roar of incoherent rage that echoed down the hallway. Wakka half-rose to his feet across the room, his hand reaching for his blitzball. Kimahri leapt to his feet, patting Yuna’s shoulder before rushing to the hallway entrance. Tidus and Rikku feigned innocently confused looks, which didn’t pass muster at all due to the wide and evil grins they now sported. Luckily, they had chosen a rather dark corner, so the only person to notice was Yuna. She looked at the pair, her eyes narrowing slightly. “Wasn’t that Sir Auron just now?” she asked slowly.

Tidus shrugged. “Sounded like it. Maybe his pillows weren’t fluffed enough,” he quipped, then frowned as he looked back to the checker board. 

Rikku grinned. “No, that definitely sounded like a ‘How dare they forget the mint on my pillow’ sort of scream,” she giggled. Her smile widened as she jumped two of Tidus’ pieces and landed on the end of the board.

“King me!” she crowed, throwing her hands into the air victoriously. Looking up, she was momentarily puzzled by the frozen looks of shock on Tidus’ and Yuna’s faces. Then, her hearing caught the ominous dripping sound coming from behind her. She snorted, her heart laughing, pounding, screaming, as she fought to control her laughter…

She turned too soon and burst into giggles. “Ancestors! What happened to you, Sir Auron?” she asked ever-so-sweetly. The elder guardian glowered down at the pair, giving them his most intimidating glare; however, the effect was somewhat dampened, quite literally, by the fact that his eyebrows and hair were still frosted with the ice. Combined with his now-frosted red coat, he could have been easily confused with a jolly old elf, and if it weren’t for the fact that she could clearly see the tick in his cheek rapidly pulsing in anger, Rikku was tempted to jump in his lap and start telling him what a good girl she’d been. The two troublemakers tried unsuccessfully to hide their amusement as Auron seethed.

“Rikku. Tidus,” he gritted slowly, “You have a lot of explaining to do. Now.” He barked the last word in a stern command. Rikku’s eyes widened in feigned innocence.

“What are you talking about?” she asked. “Tidus and I have been in this corner the entire time!” she said, looking to Tidus and Yuna for confirmation. Tidus nodded vigorously in agreement.

“But ya came in first, didn’t ya, Rikku?” Wakka asked from nearby. Rikku forced herself to smile sweetly and not throw a grenade at dense blitzer.

“Only to set up the checkerboard,” she replied sweetly. She could see Auron’s eye narrow. They had all seen ‘her’ in the corner when they came in, and they had only been outside a short time with Clasko. But still…

“She wouldn’t have had time to rig up… whatever it is that happened to you, Sir Auron,” Yuna defended her cousin lightly. Auron’s eye became slitted as he regarded the barely concealed amusement of the two youngest guardians. They knew they had him cornered with Yuna on their side.

“I know I saw a small machina above my door, which conveniently destroyed itself. If I find out that you two did this…” he warned, his voice grating. Tidus had the nerve to grin.

“Hey! Without burden of proof, your claims carry no weight. We’re innocent until such a time as you can prove us guilty,” he stated, rocking back in his chair and crossing his arms in satisfaction. Everyone else looked at him blankly as if he had grown another head.

“Hey! I used to watch those lawyer shows back in Zanarkand while I waited for the cartoons to come on!” Tidus defended himself. Auron snorted in disgust as he turned to go back to his room. The pair looked at each other behind his back and grinned.

“Auron, if you don’t like the cold,” Rikku drawled suggestively. The room hushed again as the elder guardian paused and threw her an evil glare over his shoulder before stoically marching on. Tidus grinned.

“And can you bring me a new blitzball for Christmas?” he yelled as Auron reached the entrance to the hallway. Auron threw the pair one more ‘Hell hath no fury to match mine’ look before storming back towards his room. The pair listened expectantly until they heard (and felt) the vibrations of a door slam, then burst into wild, raucous laughter. Yuna shook her head, a slight smile adorning her face.

“Do I even want to know how you pulled that off?” she asked, a giggle escaping her. She looked at Kimahri, whose shoulders jerked in self-contained humor.

“Now, Yunie, we’ve been sitting here the entire time,” Rikku grinned, moving her ‘king’ across the board. Tidus frowned briefly at the game before looking up and smiling at Yuna.

“Besides, I believe your famous last words were when you said you wanted the pilgrimage to be full of laughter,” he reminded her, and the three teenagers burst into giggles.

*****

Meanwhile, somewhere down the hall, an extremely pissed off guardian was plotting his revenge.


	2. Auron's Retribution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Auron gets payback, and inadvertently starts a war.

Chapter Two: Auron’s Retribution

Tidus cautiously poked his head out of the doorway. He looked right, he looked left, and he even looked up. Seeing that everything was safe, he carefully stepped out into the hallway.

They had spent the night at the Travel Agency in North Macalania. Nothing further had been heard from the eldest guardian after the confrontation in the lobby… and after 20 consecutive rowdy games of checkers, Tidus and Rikku had quietly snuck past Auron’s room and locked themselves in for the night.

Tidus knocked on Rikku’s door, then waited patiently as he heard her scuffling around inside. Both eyebrows raised in surprise as he heard something heavy moving away from the door, in conjunction with loud grunting noises. A moment later, Rikku bounced into the hall.

“What was that?” Tidus asked. 

“My bed,” Rikku stated nonchalantly. They walked towards the kitchen.

“Did you really barricade your door all night?” Tidus asked. Rikku snorted.

“This is Auron we’re talking about. It wouldn’t stop him, but at least I’d be awake enough to fight back by the time he got inside the room,” she finished. What Rikku didn’t tell Tidus was that she had not blocked it right away… she had some other things to take care of before turning in.

And speak of the Devil… he was glowering at them from across the lobby as they entered the room. Smiling widely, Rikku bounced into the kitchen, emerging with a mug of hot chocolate for herself and Tidus’ usual tea. As he added copious amounts of sugar to the steaming liquid, Rikku slurped her cocoa happily and waved their Summoner over to their table.

“’Morning Yunie!” she chirped. Yuna opened her mouth to reply, but was soon interrupted by the horrendous gagging noises coming from the third member of their party.

Tidus had his hand over his mouth, his eyes wide in disgust. He bolted from his seat, tearing past a confused Kimahri and back down the hallway to his room. Rikku and Yuna watched, puzzled, and then Rikku noticed two things simultaneously… the slightly lowered level on Tidus’ tea, and a chuckling Auron across the lobby.

Eyes narrowing, Rikku stuck one finger in Tidus’ tea, then stuck it in her mouth. Eyes widening, she grabbed the sugar mill off the table and poured a little into her hand. Tasting the white powder, she looked over at Auron with glaring respect.

“Changed the salt and the sugar, did we?” she asked. He merely continued to chuckle harshly. Having raised Tidus, he obviously knew of Tidus’ love of sugary tea in the morning, and had taken advantage of it. She’d need to shake up her own routine to keep him guessing. 

Yuna giggled as Tidus returned to the table. “Your face,” she gasped, and even Rikku started to grin a bit. Tidus glared at his partner in crime.

“Just wait for your turn,” he told her. She smiled, and he watched her in confusion.

“I have not yet begun to fight,” she declared, looking across the lobby in challenge. Auron nodded his head at her in acceptance of her challenge. 

“This day is just getting started,” the older guardian agreed. Rikku snorted and returned to her drink.

“Oh Rikku,” Yuna asked, “Can you still customize my armor against Ice attacks?” Yuna looked abashed at having to remind her cousin, and Rikku smiled warmly.

“Of course I can, Yunie!” She grabbed her pack and started to rip open the outer compartment. “It’ll be a snap…” she managed to get out before her hip pack exploded.

“Rikku!” Yuna gasped, reaching down to help her cousin off the floor. Rikku sat there, looking about dazedly, surrounded by the odds and ends from her pouch. Her confusion turned to a growl as she glared up and over at Auron, who was laughing across the room.

Rikku blinked. Laughing? Mr. I’m-Colder-Than-Blizzaga laughing? Rikku’s eyes narrowed.

“Sir Auron!” Yuna exclaimed, and Auron managed to straighten up quickly.

“Yes, Yuna?” he asked, a smirk still playing on his face.

“Rikku could have been hurt!” Yuna scolded him while helping the Al Bhed girl and Tidus gather her things off the floor.

“Well, this should teach her not to leave her things unattended at night while she's playing checkers. Besides, all’s fair in love and war,” Auron replied. Rikku grinned.

“Then war it is,” she muttered, winking at Tidus. The blitzer nodded in return. After gathering her things (and purchasing a new belt pack – with locks – from Rin) Rikku returned to the table with a new mug of cocoa in hand. 

All heads turned as a cry of shock and horror echoed from the corridor. Wakka emerged, a deflated blitzball in his hand.

“What… who…” he asked. Lulu followed him, shaking her head.

“Apparently, someone deflated all of Wakka’s blitzballs last night,” the dark mage stated, glaring around the lobby. “And decided to redecorate my Moogles as well,” she continued, holding up one of the dolls, which now looked very perturbed with its badly drawn smiley face on it. Tidus glared over at Auron.

“Ask Auron,” he declared, “He seems to have been working late last night,” he scowled at the older guardian. Auron’s one eye widened, and he opened his mouth to protest…

“That’s right,” Rikku agreed, “He did say that this day was just getting started.” She shook her head at the elder guardian, keeping her delighted grin carefully in check. “He’s already gotten me and Tidus,” she continued with a partially-fake snarl. This was working out better than she had hoped.

Auron glared over at the young Al Bhed, and she knew that he knew that she was the one to pull these pranks. But again, he had no proof and his own words were biting him on the ass.

“Ask the Moogles to tell you who did it!” Auron exclaimed. Rikku looked at the elder guardian in disbelief. She had always maintained that the dolls could talk, and Auron had always scoffed at her… so did this mean he had agreed all along? The big meanie!

Lulu glared at the man. “Actually, I already did… and I was frankly hesitant to believe that ‘a person in a red cloak’ was you, Sir Auron, but it looks like that indeed is the case.”

Rikku carefully hid a grin behind a sip of cocoa as Wakka, Lulu, and Tidus all glared at the elder guardian. Auron, lost for words, merely stood up, and with one last angry glance at Rikku, huffed and left the building.

The party soon finished and followed Auron outside. Rikku ran over to hug her friend Kehho one last time, whispering in her ear,

“Thanks again for letting me borrow that cloak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! Now Lulu and Wakka have been pulled into the fray. I meant to make this chapter longer, but there really won’t be any more pranks pulled until after the temple business, and that can all be dealt with at the beginning of next chapter. And poor Auron… too bad that he played right into Rikku’s hands! Ah, I’ve got some good pranks planned for future chapters, so stick around!


	3. Whip Smack

Rikku was near tears. She had been on such a high this morning, getting the better of the stuffy elder guardian. But as soon as they’d left the Travel Agency, her own Brother had attacked the group, revealing her heritage. And now Wakka was yelling at her, calling her a heathen and disgrace to Yevon…

“Rikku!” a voice interrupted Wakka’s tirade. She turned to see Auron examining a speeder. “Will this move?” the legendary guardian asked, looking up to meet her eyes. 

Rikku almost fainted. Auron? Being nice to her? Saving her from Wakka? She shook her head as she bent to examine the speeder and ignored Wakka’s glare at the two of them. Neither of them were in Wakka’s good graces at the moment.

“We're not using that, are we? Wait... Sir Auron isn't Al Bhed too, is he?” Wakka grumbled. Rikku could hear Tidus sigh.

“Come on, Wakka.” Rikku ignored them both, slightly smiling. At least Tidus was sticking up for her. She listened as Wakka finally gave up and stormed off on foot towards the Temple.

“Let him go,” Auron said, stopping Tidus before he could follow. “Give him time to think.”

“I’m sorry,” Rikku apologized in a small voice. She hadn’t meant to split up the group…

“You’ve done nothing to be sorry for,” Lulu reassured her, and she smiled reluctantly as Kimahri hopped on a speeder and took off. Lulu smiled at Rikku reassuringly as she carefully sat on a speeder behind Tidus. Rikku laughed as Tidus accidentally jolted the speeder, causing the black mage behind him to nearly strangle him as they disappeared into the distance.

Waitasec… that meant that she was left with… a voice cleared itself behind her. 

“Do you know how to drive this thing?” Auron asked doubtfully. Rikku gulped. The one person she didn’t want to be left alone with.

“Yes,” she answered with a nervous smile. She hopped on the sled, a hesitant Auron following suit.

“Hang on,” she warned as she revved the engine and hit the throttle. The sled jerked into life, causing Auron to grab wildly for her waist. She winced.

“Ribs… bruising…” she gasped as they tore through the icy gorge towards the looming Macalania Temple. She heard Auron chuckle behind her.

“Then don’t drive like a hell-cat,” he muttered in her ear, and she flushed. The grip loosened as he continued in a sterner voice. “And about this morning…” he began, and Rikku froze. Just what she didn’t want to be questioned about. She eyed an approaching snow drift and grinned.

Rikku angled the speeder just slightly to hit the drift at an angle. The speeder jolted, and Auron never had a chance to tighten his grip before he was flung sideways into the snow. Rikku giggled to herself as she stopped the speeder and then hopped off. She jogged up to the snow-drift, her face masked with false concern.

“Sir Auron?! Are you okay?” she exclaimed. She paused when no answer emerged. 

“Auron?” she called, but still no answer. 

A few more moments passed, and she was beginning to panic.

“Auron!” she screamed, digging into the snow where he had disappeared. “Auron? Where are you?”

She gasped as the snow drift suddenly shuddered and fell on top of her. 

“Cold. Cold. Cold! COLD!!!” she screamed as she scrambled out, completely wet and shivering. Auron sat on the speeder nearby, also soaked to the bone, but chuckling as he watched Rikku dance about.

“See you at the Temple,” he grinned, revving the speeder and taking off. Rikku’s mouth dropped open.

“Why you old fart!” she yelled after him, suddenly much warmer. 

‘Hm. Must be all that rage warming me up,’ she thought to herself as she marched stiffly, following the speeder tracks through the snow.

*****

Rikku shivered, but not because of the weather. Actually, it was quite hot, due to the bright, burning sun overhead. She knew where she was, even if the others were yet to be found… she was Home. Bikanel, the Sanubia desert, Home.

But Rikku ignored the heat, perched lazily as she was under an old piece of machina. The last few hours… days… whatever were a blur. They’d killed Seymour. A Maester of Yevon. They’d killed a Maester. Of course, they were justified, but that was little comfort as they were now all members of Spira’s Shit List. I mean, it was bad enough being hated as an Al Bhed, but now as a murderer and traitor to Yevon…

“Rikku! Hey, Rikku!” she heard a voice call, and she smiled as she looked up to see Tidus and the others.

“Hey Tidus!” she called, dancing up to her friend. She looked around, puzzled.

“Where’s Yunie,” she asked, and regretted it as she watched Tidus’ shoulders fall.

“Gone,” was all he could say. Rikku gulped. She knew where Yuna might be…

“Umm... There's something I wanna tell you, but promise not to say anything.” She paused as she noticed Wakka glaring at her. “And no glaring either! I know where we are. We're on Bikanel Island. There's a place us Al Bhed call Home near here. Yunie's there. I'm sure of it! Other Al Bhed must've come and rescued her!”

Wakka scoffed. “Rescued? You mean kidnapped!” Rikku looked to the other guardians. She shrugged helplessly.

“Anyway, I will take you there if you promise... that you won't tell anyone about it. Especially not Yevonites, okay? You know they don't like us Al Bhed. Who knows what they'll do if they knew?” Rikku grinned as the others (and a protesting Wakka) agreed.

“All righty then! This way,” she exclaimed, leading the group over the dunes. She could still here Wakka grumbling behind her, muttering profanities about machina, the Al Bhed, and one certain little wonder-ninja. Rikku frowned. ‘That big meanie…’

“Do I even want to know why Wakka is such a fucked up bastard?” she muttered to Tidus, who grinned.

“Aw, don’t let him get to you. He’s just got a lot of… um, hostilities to get over,” he offered. Rikku was not reassured.

“He’s a big meanie,” she retorted, slapping at a sand fly. She grinned, an idea forming.

“Hey, watch out for these flies, everybody,” she announced over her shoulder. “They have a tendency to poison people,” she lied, smacking another one out of the air. Wakka looked nervous, and Rikku ignored the incredulous glare from Auron.

“Poisonous?” Tidus asked, swatting nervously. Rikku winked at him when the others weren’t looking.

“Yup. My brother was laid out for two weeks when he was set upon by a swarm of ‘em last summer,” she told him. He nodded, winking at her in return.

“I think I remember you telling me about that…” he trailed off, watching Wakka swat a fly away from himself. They fell back as they struggled up a particularly difficult dune. Rikku grinned, took aim…

“Ow! What was dat for!” Wakka yelled, turning to an oh-so-innocent Al Bhed girl.

“There was a fly on your shoulder… a big nasty one, too,” she replied. Wakka’s expression turned sheepish as Tidus stifled a laugh.

“Oh, sorry, ya?” the red-haired blitzer apologized. Rikku waited a few more minutes, then…

“Ow!”

“Sorry, fly again,” she told Wakka.

“Sorry.”

And a few more minutes…

“OW!”

“Fly!”

Tidus was gasping by now, and the others were trying to hide grins. Of course, that gave some people ideas…

A few minutes later, and Rikku was once again taking aim when…

“SMACK!”

“Ow!” she shrieked, her hands covering her backside. She glared at Tidus who was rolling in the sand in mirth as she turned to glare at Auron, whose sword was no longer over his shoulder. She screamed at him. “That was my butt you just slapped!”

“Sorry, fly,” he drawled. Rikku glared at him, then felt a blitzball make contact with her already sore posterior. She fell over this time, rolling down the dune.

“Oh, sorry ya, anudder fly,” Wakka said from behind her. She stood up, eyes blazing. This was war…

“Ow! Rikku,” Tidus complained as Rikku swatted an imaginary fly.

“Now children… Ow! Sir Auron!” Lulu screeched.

Kimahri grunted as a blitzball smacked his leg.

Smack. “Rikku! I’m warning you…” Auron growled.

“Ow! Dat hurt, ya!”

“Ouchies! You big meanie!”

“Whelp! That’s the last time!”

Growl.

Smack. “Take that!” Zap. Smack. Zap.

*****

A zu wandered up over the dune, attracted by all the noise. The overly-large bird-fiend eyed the group of six below, contemplating. The five humans and Ronso were taking turns smacking each other... or zapping each other, in one woman’s case. The fiend shook his head and turned around. They were doing a decent enough job beating on each other, there was no need for him to get involved.


	4. All Tangled Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are made. Sake is drunk. Battles are most likely to be soon lost.

Auron held the Al Bhed girl as she cried her heart out in his lap. He grimaced at the dampness of his coat, wondering just how much longer she would mourn the loss of her Home. It was a huge mystery as to why she had come to him, of all people, to comfort her as she mourned. Why not Tidus, her treacherous little lackey? Or... well, he could understand that Lulu may not seem to be the most comforting… And Wakka already screwed up royally – ‘happy festival fireworks’ indeed. But Kimahri was like a big cuddly toy, why not him? Besides the fact that he might claw her to death…

Auron sighed morosely, wishing he wasn’t so kind and had shoved her away sooner. It was too late now, she was still sniffling and crying in his coat, and he just didn’t have the heart to kill her. She had lost her Home, her friends, and with those big kitten-like eyes of hers, he actually felt a small stirring of pity for her. Of course, he also felt annoyance, since he had to periodically slap her hands away as they tried to dig through his pockets when he wasn’t looking…

“Ouch!” she yelped, pulling back the offended appendage once again. He merely glared at her, pity suddenly absent as he wished she’d finish and leave him be. It had been three hours already! 

“I can’t help it! Its habit!” she sniffled, and he rolled his eye and sighed. Here we go again…

“When’s your birthday?” she asked suddenly.

Or not. He quirked an eyebrow. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious,” she asked, wiping her eyes on his empty sleeve. He sighed.

“If I tell you, will you go away?” he asked. She frowned at him.

“You don’t have to say it like that, you big meanie!” She paused, thinking. “Yes.”

Auron did some rough mental calculating. “Next Friday.”

Rikku looked surprised. “You’re a… Scorpio? Who knew? Whatcha want for your birthday?” she asked, returning to her bubbly self. Auron stood up, gently depositing Rikku on the sofa and stretching his cramped legs.

“For you and Tidus to leave me alone,” he answered, stalking out of the room. Rikku stuck her tongue out at him as he left.

“Big meanie,” she yelled after him. Then she grinned. Oh, did she have an idea…

*****

Tidus wandered into the lounge area aboard the airship, curious about the origins of all the weird clanking noises. He was not, however, surprised to see that Rikku was the one making them.

“Whatcha doin’?” he asked, tilting his head at her. She was sitting on the floor, paint smudged on her nose as she put the finishing touches on a sign that read, ‘Happy Birthday, oh Legendary One!’ She grinned up at Tidus as she cut various lengths of yarn off a massive ball to make the sign hang-able.

“Sir Guardian Meanie’s birthday is next week! And we’re going to celebrate it.”

“Oh we are?” Tidus drawled. Rikku nodded.

“Yup. We are. It’ll be a theme party,” she said, passing Tidus another sign. He read it and choked, doubling over with laughter. 

“He’ll kill us for sure!” he gasped. Rikku grinned.

“Not if we find Yunie first!” she exclaimed. Her smile faltered and the two quickly sobered, anxious about their Summoner. Tidus looked around for a distraction…

“Hey, isn’t that… Auron’s sake jug?” he asked, pointing at the nearby sofa. Rikku’s eyes widened.

“Yes,” she replied slowly, looking over at Tidus mischievously. He grinned.

“We should fill it with something else and see how he reacts when he takes a big swig of it,” he suggested. Rikku nodded.

“But first, what’ll we do with all that sake?” she asked oh-so-innocently. The two grinned.

*****

“OH I’M GONNA BUY ME A DOG!” Tidus’s voice rang out. Wakka shook his head in confusion as he wandered towards the source of the noise.

“A dog, why?” Rikku’s voice piped up.

“CUZ I NEED A FRIEND NOW!”

“Babe, you need all the friends you can get, I’m tellin’ ya.” Wakka could hear her giggle.

“I’M GONNA BUY ME A DOG! MY GIRL, MY GIRL DON’T LOVE ME NO HOW! NOW!”

“How now brown cow…” they both trailed off into giggles together. Wakka finally came to the open doorway, and stood there in shock. Tidus and Rikku were sprawled out on the floor, sake dishes in hand, and was that…

“Is dat Sir Auron’s jug, ya?” he asked, pushing a hand through his hair. Rikku burst into giggles and Tidus grinned up at him lopsidedly.

“Ya!” he said, laughing himself.

“You’re gonna get in so much trouble for dat, ya!” Wakka scolded them. Then he paused.

“How much is left?”

*****

Lulu forced Kimahri to come with her to investigate the strange noises coming from deep within the airship. She had mistakenly let Wakka go alone thirty minutes ago, only to never return. And seeing as she and Kimahri had already run into two sets of Guado Guardians, she was worried about the red-headed blitzer. Not that she’d ever say that out loud, mind you, but she was. She saw an open doorway ahead, and motioned for Kimahri to be silent. Kimahri rolled his eyes after she turned away – when was he anything else? They crept closer to the doorway, only to hear…

“AND THEN I SAW HER FACE! NOW I’M A BELIEVER! NOT A TRACE! OF DOUBT IN MY MIND! I’M IN LOVE…” a boy’s drunken tenor rang out.

“Oooooooo…” hummed a girl and a man with a decided Besaidian accent.

“I’M A BELIEVER I COULDN’T LEAVE HER IF I TRIED!” Tidus choked off as he stared at the doorway.

Lulu stood there, and he swore he could see Thundaga crackling about her head like a halo. Kimahri towered behind her, looking amused.

“Oh, Wakka?” she asked, deadly calm. Wakka gulped, and Tidus crawled to hide behind him with Rikku.

“Y-yha,” he slurred nervously. Lulu regarded him coldly.

“What are you doing?” she asked just as calmly. He gulped.

“H-helping Tidus and Rikku plan Sir Auron’s birthday party next week,” he grinned nervously. Fortunately for him, this thoroughly distracted Lulu.

“It’s his birthday next week?” she asked, sweeping into the room. Rikku nodded happily, handing Lulu a freshly made invitation. Lulu took one look and choked.

“A theme party?” she asked, and Kimahri chuckled as he read over her shoulder.

“Yup! And everyone’s invited!” Rikku chirped. She pointed to some signs she had poorly hidden under the sofa, as well as some small machina party favors she had made up. “I’ve even got a confetti bomb to set off when we surprise him!” she giggled. Lulu shook her head, a small smile creeping onto her lips.

“You had better hope we find Yuna before you try this,” she told them. Then her eyes caught sight of the half-empty jug nearby. “Is that Sir Auron’s?”

“Yup! Wanna help us empty it?” Tidus asked, pushing the jug over. 

Lulu’s eyes were wide. “No, I couldn’t…” she trailed off as Kimahri picked up the jug and took a big swig.

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” Rikku chanted, and Wakka and Tidus both giggled.

*****

Auron stormed through the ship, fuming. Brother – and what sort of inane name was that, anyway? – had discovered Yuna’s whereabouts, Evrae was hovering outside impatiently waiting to destroy them all, the other Guardians were nowhere to be found, and if things weren’t bad enough already, he had no sake. How could things possibly get any worse…?

“HEY HEY WE’RE THE (snort) GUARDIANS! AND PEOPLE SAY WE MONKEY AROUND! BUT WE’RE TOO BUSY (hiccough) GUARDING! TO PUT ANYBODY DOWN… (giggle)”

“Except Maesters!” Rikku’s voice chirped and several other voices cackled. Auron’s eye narrowed... were they…

“And just what is going on here?” Auron asked, looming in the doorway, glaring at them like Death and Judgment all wrapped into one big bloody red trench coat. The effect was lost however, as the others looked over at him and giggled.

“My, sir, you look particularly menacing today,” Tidus snorted. Auron’s eye narrowed as he looked over them. Tidus, Rikku, Wakka he could understand. But Lulu? Kimahri as well! And…

“Is that my jug?” he asked, his voice a growl. Rikku grinned.

“Why yes it is, Sir Meanie Pants!” She rolled over giggling as if it was the greatest joke in the world. He marched over and picked it up. He was relieved that it was still full… though it’d be much later that he’d find out with what. Right now, he was distracted by something else…

“Is Kimahri… purring?” he asked, confused. The others all turned towards the Ronso, eyes widening at the sight.

“Tidus, get the memory sphere, quick!” Rikku nudged her partner-in-crime. Apparently, the drunken Ronso had found her overly large ball of yarn, and was rolling on the floor, rubbing his face on it and digging at it with his claws.

Lulu chuckled. “Aw, he’s like a big kitten,” she drawled, watching the oblivious Ronso. Auron was torn between amusement and horror at the actions of the once-proud Ronso. He then recollected himself as Tidus snapped up the moment with a flash from the memory sphere.

“I came here to tell you, Guardians,” he emphasized the last word, “That Yuna has been discovered,” they were oblivious, watching Kimahri.

“In Bevelle,” he tried louder. Still didn’t work.

“About to be married.” Still nothing. Auron took a deep breath…

“YUNA’S ABOUT TO MARRY SEYMOUR AGAINST HER WILL WHILE YOU’RE ALL ROLLING ABOUT LIKE DRUNKEN SOTS!” he yelled at them. They winced, and even Kimahri stopped purring to look hazily up at him.

“Man, Sir Auron, ya, I don’t think the people in Luca quite heard that,” Wakka slurred. Auron waited patiently for the rest of the information to process through their minds.

“Yuna’s marrying Seymour!” Tidus cried, jumping to his feet. He fell back to the floor just as quickly. “Ow.”

“Yes,” Auron told them sternly. “And Evrae, the great guardian wyrm of Bevelle is hovering outside, waiting to slaughter us all. Which he will most likely do, as you are all a bunch of slobbering drunks,” he told them sternly. He then glared at Rikku, who was impersonating him from across the room. She clammed up and smiled a toothy grin at him when she realized he was watching, swatting at a giggling Tidus and Lulu as she did so. Auron rolled his eye.

“Come, Guardians, we have work to do,” he declared, storming out the doorway and towards the deck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, we set the story up to be in November – I can totally see Auron as a Scorpio. Lessee… next chapter deals with crashing a wedding, rubber chocobos, humiliating Seymour, and Auron makes an upsetting discovery.


	5. Sparkly Seymour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bevelle re-imagined with prank-goggles on.

“I swear tha’ dragon is rolling its eyes,” Rikku slurred for the umpteenth time. And in reply, the mighty wyrm Evrae, guardian of Bevelle, rolled its eyes, fixing Auron with a disbelieving look. Auron could only nod at the question in the great dragon’s eyes.

“Yes, Bevelle is truly wasting your time by sending you to fight a bunch of drunken sots that could just as easily have been dispatched by their own foot soldiers,” he told the creature, which in turn huffed angrily. The dragon glared through the clouds in the direction of Bevelle, promising retribution, before shrugging and turning back to the ship. Since he was here, he might as well do what he was sent here for…

Taking a deep breath, the dragon prepared itself for battle…

*****

“And just whose bright idea was it to fight a dragon on the outside of the airship?” Tidus whined out loud as he clung to a railing for dear life. Auron sighed.

The battle had been surprisingly quick – he of course had exacted the most damage upon Evrae, but the others had gotten some of their attacks to pull through. Especially an enraged Kimahri, once Auron had hinted that Evrae was here to steal his newfound toy. And the damage to their party had been minimal at best – due to the fact that most of them couldn’t have stood up straight on solid ground in their condition, much less a turbulently windy airship, the other members of the party had managed to dodge, quite by accident, most of Evrae’s attacks.

Of course, that didn’t keep Auron from sharing an incredulous look with the dragon before it burst into pyreflies. He couldn’t believe they had beaten him either… Someone must have added extra Luck nodes to the Sphere grid, that was his only explanation…

Of course, just when he thought things were looking up, the airship just had to sustain major damage and start tail-spinning out of control, the guardians clinging to the ship for dear life. And it didn’t help matters that the others were still drunk and stupid, and now whining…

Auron couldn’t resist. “Well Tidus, they tried to invite him to settle this in a peaceful manner, but not only was he a little too large fit inside the ship, you also drank all the ceremonial sake,” Auron sniped. Tidus lolled his head.

“The others helped,” he smiled, and Auron rolled his eyes.

The ship pulled up suddenly, and Auron heard a series of crashing noises as it steadied in the air. He straightened himself and walked to edge of the ship, noticing that it was now firmly anchored to the Palace of Bevelle.

“Ew! Lulu!” he heard Rikku groan behind him, and noticed that the black mage was bent over the edge of the deck.

“Never flying and drinking again,” Lulu said as she got to her feet, wiping the corner of her mouth. Auron wrinkled his nose and turned back to the scene below. He could see Yuna from where they stood on deck, and he smirked. She was just fortunate that they hadn’t literally crashed the wedding. 

The shock seemed to wearing off the troops below, and fire broke out as he continued to ponder how to get down there. He supposed that the fastest way would be to slide down the anchor chains and jump off onto the balconies, but only a complete fool would think that was good idea…

‘Oh wait, thought that too soon,’ he sighed as Tidus yelled out and jumped onto the chains. Rikku cheered and the others soon followed. Auron shrugged and jumped on last. Someone had to act as designated fighter, and unfortunately that was him.

They soon jumped to the platforms, only to be confronted by a sorry looking group of disgusted guards. Lulu covered her mouth with her hand as Rikku laughed.

“Wow, Lulu, looks like you discovered a new attack,” she chirped, and the vomit-covered troops glared at the Black Mage as they unholstered their weapons.

“Sorry?” she shrugged helplessly.

*****

‘To make it so far and still be stopped!’ Rikku thought to herself. Here they were, so close to stopping the wedding, and yet they stood here surrounded by guns, all aimed at her pretty little head. What to do…

“Man, Seymour is not an attractive… whatever-he-is,” Tidus mumbled to Rikku. Kinoc and his soldiers snorted in amusement as the half-Guado glared down at them all. Rikku looked over at Tidus, who was steeling himself…

“And you may kiss the bride,” Mika proclaimed, shutting his book with a snap. Tidus deflated.

“What happened to the part where you get to object? I thought we were supposed to be able to object,” he whined to Rikku, who shrugged.

“It’s probably some weird Yevonite thing,” she replied, as the others shook their heads behind her. Then they all noticed Seymour kissing Yuna.

“Ew!” Rikku and Tidus exclaimed, while Lulu looked frantically around for the nearest railing. The soldiers were politely clapping when the couple broke apart, more out of relief that the kiss had finally stopped. No one in all of Spira wanted to think about the half-Guado Maester possibly engaged in any kind of… intimate acts.

“Kill them,” Seymour ordered smugly, waving his claws at the party. Rikku’s eyes widened, however, as she noticed Yuna backing towards the ledge…

“No!” Yuna cried at the same moment Rikku yelled, “Yunie!”

“Throw down your weapons! Let them go, or else...” Yuna warned, rocking a bit in the wind. Rikku, heedless of her surroundings, ran up with Tidus and the others to where Yuna stood near Seymour. 

“Yunie, I can understand that kissing Seymour would be enough to make anyone want to kill themselves, but isn’t splattering yourself a bit extreme?” she tried to reason. Seymour shot her a sour look.

“I knew there was a reason I wanted to kill you,” he snarled at the Al Bhed.

“Same here. I never expected to have so much in common,” Rikku retorted. Yuna cleared her throat.

“Don't worry. I can fly. Believe... Eep!” she cried as she fell off the ledge. The others dove to watch as she summoned Valefor, who just barely caught her in time.

They straightened, and the entire group on the ledge paused. The guardians glared at Seymour. Seymour glared at the guardians. The guardians suddenly realized that there were a lot more people on Seymour’s side than theirs. Rikku grinned, reaching into her belt pouch.

“Cover your eyes!” she screamed, tossing a bomb at his feet. It exploded, but Rikku didn’t see the flash through her eyes like she expected. She peeked as she felt something fall softly against her skin, and heard Kinoc guffawing nearby. Her eyes widened in disbelief.

“Open your eyes, quick!” she shouted before she burst into giggles. The others looked up and started laughing.

“Is that… a rubber chocobo, ya?” Wakka asked, staring at Seymour in disbelief. The unsent Maester was covered in confetti and streamers, and what looked like a rubber chocobo was impaled on one of his spiky blue locks of hair. He glared menacingly at Rikku, the other guardians, and then at the surrounding soldiers who were chuckling as well.

“Oopsie, wrong bomb,” Rikku grinned, looking in her pouch and pulling out the flash grenade. She pulled out the memory sphere too and quickly got a picture of the now snarling maester.

“Now cover your eyes!” she declared, throwing the flashbomb.

*****

Rikku looked around the Chamber of Fayth and sighed happily. First she had had all that fun solving the Cloister of Trials, machina heaven. And the resulting psychedelic trip they all took – minus Meanie-Pants – from still being partially drunk and dazed by all the pretty flashing colors didn’t hurt either. And now they were waiting for Yunie to finish her prayers to the Fayth and set off once more to save the world. 

Rikku frowned. And by saving the world, Yunie would get killed. Rikku frowned some more as her happy machina-induced buzz started to fade. She grimaced and pulled out some wiring and items. What better way to kill the time and distract herself than by rigging up her next prank?

Rikku grinned. The next summoner was just going to love this…

*****

Maester Kelk Ronso frowned down at the newly captured Guardians. “The High Court of Yevon is now in session. The sacred offices of this court seek nothing but absolute truth, in Yevon's name. To those on trial: Believe in Yevon, and speak only the truth.”

Rikku ignored the muttering of Lulu and Tidus behind her as she stared about. Look at all the machina! These Yevonites were a bunch of hypocritical pycdyntc…

The Maester Kitty continued. “Summoner Yuna. You have sworn to protect the people of Yevon, true?”

Rikku looked at her proud cousin. “Yes.”

“Then, consider: You have inflicted dire injury upon Maester Seymour Guado... conspired with the Al Bhed and joined in their insurrection. And someone…” he trailed off, his eyes widening at the list of charges before him, “Rigged the Chamber of Fayth with a petrify bomb that froze Summoner Isaaru as he entered to pray to the Fayth?” he read off incredulously before staring up at the gathered guardians.

Everyone turned to glare at Rikku, who giggled nervously.

“Heh heh… I figured no one would notice one more statue hangin’ around?” she explained with a shrug. Auron shook his head despairingly.

“What are we going to do with you?” Lulu muttered. Tidus shook his head, then winked and gave Rikku a thumbs up when he thought no one else was looking.

Kelk Ronso sighed. “These are traitorous and unforgivable crimes that disturb the order of Yevon. Tell this court what possessed you to participate in such violence…”

*****

Auron sighed, feeling at peace. They had all been branded traitors, it was revealed that fifty percent of all Maesters were Unsent, and now he had been thrown in the Maze of Sorrow to die an untimely death. He supposed he should be more upset, but it was a little too late for him to die an untimely death – been there, done that – and he was finally given some peace and quiet away from the other drunken, trippy guardians.

Auron smirked, leaning against the wall as he unhooked his sake jug. ‘Damned youth today just have no tolerance,’ he thought as he raised the jug to his lips and took a deep swig…

*****

Deep in the Via Purifico, the battle with Evrae Altana ground to a halt as a distant but distinct howl of incoherent rage was heard. Rikku grinned at the undead dragon’s look of confusion.

“Was that… Sir Auron, ya?” Wakka asked. Rikku laughed as Tidus smirked.

“Looks like he discovered that we refilled his sake jug,” Tidus explained.

“With what?” Wakka asked, and even Evrae looked curious.

“Melted Ice Flan – looks just like sake until you take a big slimy swig of it,” Rikku explained. Even Evrae snorted in amusement as the other guardians laughed.

*****

“Sir Auron?” Yuna asked, running into the chamber with Kimahri and Lulu close behind. “Are you all right?” she asked, concerned.

Auron straightened. He had been hunched over behind the rubble, trying to spit out all remains of the vile substance from his mouth. He faced the other guardians, trying to look dignified, a disgusted look glowing in his eyes.

“I hate this place,” he growled, leading the way towards the exit, the others following hesitantly. 

*****

Rikku ran over to her waiting cousin, ignoring the water dripping from her arms as she pulled her cousin into a tight hug.

“Yunie! I’m so glad you’re safe!” she cheered. She heard Tidus and Wakka squelch up behind her as she pulled back from her cousin. She stepped back and grinned as Tidus stumbled through his words, trying to find something to say to their summoner. 

Rikku accidentally made eye contact with Auron, who was glaring at her intently.

“My sake?” he rasped at her, and she giggled nervously as she tried to edge away from him. His hand shot out, grabbing her arm, and she struggled.

“Um… it was really tasty!” she declared, looking around frantically for help. What she saw behind the angry Legend made her gasp. “Behind you!”

Auron noticed her stare and frowned. “Oh no, I’m not falling for that trick,” he snarled, before noticing that everyone else was staring past him too. Sheepishly, he turned his head to look, and growled as Kinoc fell to the ground.

“Kinoc!” he exclaimed, his eyes leaving his lifeless comrade and glaring at Seymour. 

The Unsent Maester smirked. “Yes, I killed Kinoc. No one laughs at my hair and lives,” he replied. “In fact, I also seem to recall someone else laughing at my hair,” he drawled, glaring down at Rikku, who waved good-humouredly. 

“You’re totally nuts!” Tidus exclaimed as the guardians readied themselves for battle. Rikku wasn’t really sure which one of them he was referring to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lessee… next chapter deals with romance in the woods, Yuna’s attempt at a prank to end all pranks, Rikku performing the next-to-impossible, and some not-very-happy Aeons. Stay tuned! See you next time!


	6. Frigid... What?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuna gets involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost… there… Calm Lands fun-and-galore! So close…

Rikku hummed happily to herself, rocking a little on her tree branch. Wakka shot her a confused look, but she merely grinned and waved down to him, then made a face at the stoic red-clad guardian who was determinedly ignoring her. Wakka smirked and turned his attention back to staring unobtrusively at Lulu.

They had defeated the Seymour v.2 with little trouble, then booked it out of Bevelle and back into Macalania. Rikku was happy with the thought that maybe, just maybe her cousin would finally give up this “damned fool quest”, as her Vydran put it.

Rikku watched bemusedly as Tidus, ever impatient, stood up and started talking to everyone. Lulu casually mentioned that maybe he should go talk to Yuna herself, instead of worrying over her here. Rikku smirked. It seemed like everyone was trying to push their relationship to a head.

Once Tidus had disappeared, Rikku was left to her own thoughts again. She pulled out some machina parts, trying to rig up another confetti bomb… she had had such plans for that first one, and where would she get another rubber chocobo on such short notice? Hm…

And now she was ‘hm’-ing like Auron. Great. Just great. She needed to get off this pilgrimage and back around normal people again. Well, about as ‘normal’ as her father, brother, and Al Bhed cohorts could get. And just what was taking Yunie and Tidus so long anyways? It had been almost… she checked her watch… two minutes!

All right, so maybe curiosity was getting the better of her. Would the Wonder Kids confess their undying love for one another once and for all, or would they put it off again for the hundredth time? Would Yunie give up the pilgrimage, or continue this nonsense? Hm…

Rikku smacked herself lightly, a fitting punishment for her bad case of Auron-itis. She hopped down from her branch, bent on satisfying the curiosity that was eating her alive…

“And just where are you going?” a gruff voice asked from behind her. She looked over her shoulder and grinned in what she hoped was a passably-sheepish manner.

“I need to go use the, um, little girls’ bush,” she giggled nervously, then ran from the clearing at Auron’s glare of dismissal.

Rikku left the path quickly, taking the long way through the trees in the direction of the sphere pool. She could hear the splashing and low voices of Yunie and Tidus coming from that direction, and she hoped that if she could make it to the far side of the clearing, she could listen in unobserved. Rikku shot Kimahri’s back a worried glance. It didn’t seem like the Ronso guardian had heard her…

Rikku smirked. This was too easy…

*****

Of course Kimahri could hear Rikku’s quiet footsteps. He rolled his eyes, unsurprised at the little Al Bhed's insatiable curiosity. Of course, he could also hear Yuna and Tidus wrapping up their “Conversation” in the sphere pool…

“Stay with me until the end… Please,” he heard Yuna ask softly.

“Not until the end... Always,” came Tidus’ voice, full of emotion and resolve.

Kimahri smiled. His Yuna was taken care of, and Rikku had missed all the important stuff. He wandered off back towards the camp, hoping to spare Yuna the embarrassment of thinking that he had witnessed anything.

Kimahri snorted. He could still hear Rikku tip-toeing through the underbrush on the other side of the pool, and the set of stealthy footprints sneaking up behind her as well…

Kimahri grinned again. Those two were going to kill each other…

*****

“Aw nuts!” Rikku cursed as she watched Yunie and Tidus get to their feet. Looked like she had missed all the good stuff.

“Or maybe not,” she whispered bemusedly as she watched the pair holding hands as they left the clearing to head back to camp. It looked like something had happened between the two…

Back… to… camp… Rikku’s eyes widened. She needed to get back there quick so that no one would know she had been spying! She jumped to her feet, ready to make a mad dash through the trees…

…when she felt something connect with the small of her back and shove her towards the water. Already off balance, her arms flailed wildly, grabbing whatever-it-was to try and steady herself. Unfortunately, she only succeeded in pulling the heavy-ass thing into the water on top of her…

Rikku plunged into the depths, the heavy thing falling beside her. Her feet connected with the bottom of the pool and she kicked off, shooting up towards the surface. She emerged from the water, gasping for air and quickly strapped on her Devastator. Whatever did this was going to pay…

Auron’s head broke the surface of the water moments later and glared at her. Rikku’s mouth fell open and all she could do was stare as he angrily swam towards her.

“You pushed me in?” she asked, her own anger setting in.

Auron looked momentarily sheepish, before his expression snapped back to the glare-of-doom. “You pulled me in!” he growled at her. Rikku smirked.

“Serves you right,” she said, grinning. Auron merely looked angrier as he swam past her towards the shoreline.

Rikku ducked under the water, making a beeline for the shore ahead of him. Whereas Sir Heavy-as-a-Behemoth was slow and steady, taking methodical strokes through the water, she was light and quick as a fish. She paused as she caught up with him, grinning as she grabbed his foot and yanked down hard. She kicked off from his now submerged shoulder and darted towards the shore.

She pulled herself out of the water and stood, grinning like a buer as she watched Auron break the surface once again, his face as red as his coat from lack of air.

‘Or anger,’ she mused to herself as he glared in her direction, taking powerful strokes to reach the shoreline.

“Pray. NOW!” he roared, and Rikku’s eyes widened before she took off for camp.

*****

“Rikku, what on Spira?” Yuna began, lost for words. Her cousin was currently dripping wet and wide-eyed in panic, clinging to her back.

“Protect me!” her cousin yelped. Before Yuna could ask anything, the answer to Rikku’s fear stormed into the campsite. Sir Auron, himself dripping wet and his sword glowing with Overdrive rage.

“Um, why are the both of you wet?” Lulu asked hesitantly. Auron merely grunted, his eye focused on the cowering Al Bhed he was advancing upon.

“Ah, were you two makin’ some memories down at the sphere pool, ya?” Wakka asked. Both Rikku and Auron froze as the implications of this statement settled over the group. Tidus grinned.

“Aw, a little romance has been blossoming right under our noses!” Tidus sighed dramatically. Then he ducked behind Yuna as Auron began to change his target.

“Now now,” Yuna began, a twinkle in her eye, “There’s no need to be embarrassed about it!” She heard Rikku gasp behind her.

“Et tu, Yuna?” Rikku sighed forlornly. Then grinned. “Besides, the only ones getting’ romantic over there were you two!” she whispered, only loud enough for her cousin and Tidus to hear. Yuna flushed crimson before swirling about to glare down at her younger cousin.

“What did you say?” Yuna exclaimed. Rikku gulped fearfully, suddenly faced with an irate summoner and her suspicious blitzer boyfriend.

“Um…” she hedged, “Save me!” she yowled, dodging around Yuna and cowering behind Auron. Everyone else froze, waiting for the inevitable as the youngest and oldest guardians looked at each other.

“Gah!” Rikku cried, scurrying up the nearest tree. Auron shook his head, settling himself down at the base.

“You can’t hide up there forever,” he drawled, adjusting his sword across his lap.

“Oh yes I can!” the foliage replied.

The other guardians laughed; Yuna, on the other hand, stood glaring, her gaze darting back and forth between the tree’s upper branches and the legendary guardian now polishing his sword at its base.

”I can’t believe the two of you!” she exclaimed before storming away angrily. Auron watched Yuna’s retreat in surprise, then glanced up at the branches above.

“What was all that about?” he called.

“Um…” Rikku trailed off. “I’ll tell you some other time when you’re not trying to kill me!”

Auron sighed. “Well, I’ll just have to content myself with never knowing then,” he replied, smirking at the ‘Eep!’ of dismay that followed.

*****

Meanwhile, anger was a relatively new feeling for Yuna. Ever kind and compassionate, even to such undeserving parties as Seymour, she rarely felt anything but care for those about her. In this case, however…

“I can’t believe they spied on me!” she mumbled to herself. “Oo!” She stomped softly along the shore of the sphere pool, trying to compose herself.

And then revelation hit, and her anger dissipated in childish glee. What an idea! A perfectly lovely idea to get back at those two spies, using their own antics against them!

*****

“Eep!” Rikku cried as she was rudely awoken the next morning by a lightning bolt crashing down a few inches from the branch she currently occupied. In her sleepiness, she tipped backwards, unable to catch herself in her surprise. She screamed as she felt gravity kick in, and she plummeted towards the ground below.

“Oof!” went the ground, and Rikku realized rather belatedly that the ‘ground’ was awfully soft…

“Rikku,” the ominous voice began from underneath her, before both guardians were quickly muffled under a pile of snow.

The two guardians struggled to free themselves from the snow drift, staring about in bewilderment. There was no snow in this part of Macalania!

The other guardians watched in stunned amazement as the pair, once freed of their snowy confines, suddenly jumped to save themselves from simultaneous fire and lightning attacks. They both managed to glare at Lulu briefly before they were quickly doused in a watera attack.

“Don’t look at me! I’m not doing it!” the black mage defended herself, obviously as bewildered as they were. Rikku reeled backwards as another lightning bolt zapped the ground nearby.

“If its not you…” Zap! “Then who?…” she paused to dodge an ice crystal.

“Listen!” Auron commanded, grabbing Rikku’s arm. Zap! went the lightning again, followed by a faint…

“Whinny? …Ixion!” Rikku exclaimed, realization dawning upon her. The two guardians glared at a serenely smiling Yuna.

“Perhaps this will teach you to never spy on your summoner again?” she asked sweetly, before getting up and leaving the campsite. Auron and Rikku scowled at each other as their comrades laughed and followed her.

“This is all your fault!” they yelled at each other. The anger faded quickly as Rikku screamed and threw herself into Auron as another lightning bolt hit the ground next to her. The pair fell to the ground, only to be doused by another watera.

“This is going to be a long day,” Auron sighed.

*****

“Um, has anyone seen Rikku?” Yuna asked her guardians tentatively that evening as they huddled about the campfire on the edge of the forest. Auron grunted a ‘no’, glaring at the summoner. It was Tidus who finally answered her.

“No. Why?” he asked. Yuna gulped nervously. Although she had called off the Aeons’ attacks about midday, her cousin had continued to twitch all throughout the rest of the day’s journey towards the Calm Lands. Twitch and mumble to herself at the rear of the group. And now that they’d stopped for the evening…

“Well, um, I’m rather worried. She’s been acting funny all afternoon, and now she’s nowhere to be found… and she’s stolen my staff,” Yuna explained. Auron’s head jerked up, as did the others.

“Your staff?” Lulu questioned.

“What could she possibly do with that?” Wakka asked, scratching his head.

“I’m not sure, but that’s why I’m worried…” Yuna shrugged helplessly.

“Don’t worry… she’s probably just trying to make sure that you don’t sic the Aeons on her again during the night,” Tidus reasoned. Auron snorted, but said nothing.

*****

No one slept well that night, and it was not entirely out of concern for the still absent Rikku. No, all night long the summoner and her remaining guardians were subjected to the distant noises of various creatures shrieking in rage and annoyance, and the brilliant flashes of elemental attacks flaring from deep within the woods. Eventually, however, the weary group managed to succumb to sleep’s tempting call…

*****

“Good morning!” a cheerful voice cried. The weary group looked up as Rikku entered the clearing where they were just breaking camp.

“Um… Rikku, are you okay?” Tidus asked, the first to break the wary silence.

“Never been better!” Rikku chirped, tossing Yuna her staff before chugging a potion. The others looked at each other incredulously, but said nothing. The reason for this doubt was the simple fact that Rikku was covered in quickly healing bruises and burns and scrapes, and the utter air of contentment she was sporting was the most baffling. Auron shook it off quickly, giving the group his usual morning greeting.

“We have no time to waste… let’s go,” he announced, leading the way into the Calm Lands. Rikku merely smiled and skipped along behind him.

*****

Auron dodged an attack from the Malboro before him, uttering a quick command to Yuna.

“Summon, now!” he called, and Yuna nodded. Waving her staff, she called forth Ifrit…

And nothing appeared. Yuna stared at the staff, bewildered, and tried again.

Still nothing.

“He’s probably just being shy,” Rikku chuckled, ducking as the Malboro snorted another attack towards her. “Oh, and you didn’t call him by the right name. Here,” she said, digging through her pockets before pulling out a small sheet of paper and handing it to Yuna. Yuna read the sheet, her eyes widening.

“You renamed my Aeons?” she cried, looking at her cousin in shock. Rikku nodded happily.

“It wasn’t easy, either.”

Yuna shook her head before chanting the ritual again. “Come forth… Snuffles,” she said hesitantly, and the ground underneath her shook resentfully. Snuffles, formerly known as Ifrit, emerged rather grumpily. Tidus snorted as Yuna gasped in shock.

“What have you done to Ifrit?” she yelled at Rikku, who was rolling on the ground in her mirth. For the poor Aeon was now bedecked in shimmering beads, its once fluffy mane now braided with gaudy ribbons. The Aeon looked at Yuna resentfully before attacking and destroying the giggling Malboro, obviously anxious to return to his fiery hole.

Yuna, eyes narrowed, summoned the remaining Aeons. Valefor, now named Tweety, looked quite happy with the ribbons and beads now braided among her feathers. Sparky, aka Ixion, pranced about happily as well, content with his new decorations.

“I can’t call Shiva that!” Yuna exclaimed as she moved down the list to the next Aeon.

“Well, that is her name,” Rikku gasped from the ground, her eyes flowing in amused tears.

“Please, help us… Frigid Bitch,” Yuna whispered, and Shiva appeared in her usual display of ice crystals, her mouth set in a thin line as she glared down at Rikku before disappearing once again.

“Do I even want to see what you’ve done to… Pooky Bear?” Yuna asked reluctantly.

“Probably not,” Rikku chirped, wiping her eyes. Yuna summoned the poor creature, however, who crashed to the ground next to the almost oblivious Rikku, glaring through his own ribbons, beads, and pair of teddy bear ears she somehow managed to affix to his draconic head. The other guardians snorted in laughter as the dragon contemplated whether or not it should Mega-Flare her… again. It eventually shook its head before dismissing itself.

“Do I even want to ask how you did that?” Tidus asked, an amused grin on his face.

“Would I tell you even if you did?” Rikku answered smugly. She looped her arm through his, tugging him forwards. “C’mon, we’ve got a Travel Agency to get to!” she cried, skipping along towards the distant building. Yuna followed, shaking her head as she looked at the list in her hand.

“Frigid…” she whispered to herself in dismay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re wondering about the Aeon’s names… that is what I called them in my game. Tweety, Snuffles, Sparky, Frigid B. (unfortunately, ‘Frigid Bitch’ is too long) and so on… I can’t wait to rename Yojimbo, Anima, and the Magus Sisters… mwahaha.


	7. Choccy and Pals!

They had been at the Travel Agency in the Calm Lands for several days, and Auron was worried. And why was Auron worried? Because there had been no pranks played on him – or anyone else for that matter – by the Delinquent Duo.

After the ‘Aeon Incident’, and Yuna’s frantic but ultimately futile attempts to restore her Aeons to their original glory, things had gone eerily quiet. No new pranks, no scampering about leveling up and wreaking havoc out on the plains, no Tidus being chased about by Chimera Brains… Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nihil.

The pair had shut themselves in a storeroom, claiming to be customizing weapons. Seeing as how he had requested – and was speedily granted – some upgrades for his sword, he couldn’t complain. But the amount of traffic going in and out of that room was mind boggling. And surely Rikku couldn’t be writing her father that many letters…

“Sir Auron?” a voice chirped, pulling him from his thoughts. He “hmphed” to show Yuna she had his attention.

“The receptionist informed me that there was once a Temple on the far side of the Calm Lands… and I was wondering if we could go check it out?” the young Summoner asked hesitantly. Auron nodded.

“Assemble the others…” he began before Yuna cut him off.

“Well, actually,” Yuna began, lowering her voice, “The Chocobo Trainer told me that it can only be reached by chocobo… and she’s only got three with her right now. I thought you and Kimahri, as my strongest guardians…”

“Fine,” Auron told her. Inwardly, he was dreading this trip. He hated chocobos.

*****

“Where’s… OoF!... Kimahri when you need him?” Rikku panted as she struggled to hang yellow and red streamers from the central pole of the Travel Agency’s lobby. Tidus laughed.

“He’s off helping Yuna distract Auron… remember?” he told her as he gave her a boost. Rikku grinned sheepishly.

“Oh yeah,” she replied, tying off the streamers and jumping down with ease. “Hey Wakka, careful with that cake!” she exclaimed, rushing to help Wakka carry the massive yellow concoction over to the table. He grunted as they set it in place.

“How many people’re comin’ to this thing, ya?” he asked. Rikku grinned.

“Everyone I could think of… Lulu? You get those last invitations out?” Rikku grinned as Lulu gave her an evil little smirk.

“Of course,” the black mage replied, “In fact, the first guests should be arriving any time now…”

“Why, may Yevon be with you all!” a soft female voice greeted from the Agency entrance. The group sweatdropped as Shelinda and Maechen entered the Agency.

*****

“…And even though you’re an Al Bhed, you can still be welcomed into Yevon’s folds…” Shelinda gushed as Rikku winced. Rikku wasn’t exactly sure why the overzealous acolyte had latched onto her, but she was now being followed about as she finished the final preparations. Tidus and Lulu were greeting guests as they poured in, and Rikku supposed it could be worse… she could be drooling all over herself like poor Wakka, who had been cornered by Maechen. The old historian didn’t even seem to realize that his victim… er, audience was asleep.

“Hey Shelinda…” Rikku trailed off, grasping for anything to change the subject from ‘Eternal Damnation’ and the salvation of her poor heathen soul. “Y’know, you should really talk to Auron about all of this later. He’s sort of a… fallen monk. He could really use your guidance.”

“Really?” Shelinda asked, watery eyed.

“Oh yeah, he used to be one of the most devout Yevonites in all of Spira. Then there was that…” Rikku wracked her brains, “incident involving the Yevonite orphanage and the scarlet heretic woman …”

“Yes?” Shelinda was enraptured, and Rikku grinned evilly. Why embellish the truth when lying outright was so much more fun?

“Yes, let me tell you all about the fall of Auron. Didn’t you ever wonder how he got that scar? It all started with a cute little puppy…”

*****

“It’s gettin’ late! Where is the old fart?” Cid asked his daughter. Rikku grinned.

“Probably on his way back now, Vydran. Is everyone about here?” she asked Lulu, pulling the dark mage out of the crowd. Lulu nodded.

“Yes, all the guests are almost accounted for… and then some. I’m still not sure how the Goers got invited…” she trailed off as she watched Wakka argue with Bickson. “Damn. There he goes again…” Lulu glided over to break up yet another fight.

Rin came over just as Lulu left. “I commend you, Rikku, this is certainly an elaborate celebration,” he complimented. Rikku grinned.

“I guess we’re still pretty popular, for being outcasts and a scourge to Yevon,” she replied lightly. Rin grinned.

“Scourge or not, everyone loves a good party,” he replied.

The desk clerk approached them. “The Traveling Shop pilot reports that three chocobos are headed in this direction,” she informed them. Rikku grinned.

“That’s our cue to hide!” she crowed, immediately marching off to start informing the others of the “Guest of Honor’s” imminent arrival.

*****

It was a weary group of chocobos (and riders) that crested the hill overlooking the Calm Lands Travel Agency. Auron looked down at the building with some misgiving.

“Why do you suppose that all the lights are off at the Agency?” he asked. Yuna and Kimahri gave each other knowing glances.

“Perhaps the receptionist turned in early for the night?” Yuna suggested with a shrug. Auron “hmphed” and nudged his chocobo forward, missing the smirk shared between his summoner and Kimahri.

*****

Rikku rolled her eyes for the umpteenth time. It was bad enough that she and about a hundred other people were trying to “hide” in an open air lobby, but you would think the blitzers would have enough sense to shut up!

“You take that back, ya!”

“Make me, Cow Lick.” 

There was a quick flash of lightning that made Rikku wince, two pained yelps, and then Lulu’s angry hiss.

“They’re right outside, and so help me Wakka and Bickson, if I hear one more argument start from you, there won’t be enough Phoenix Downs in all of Spira to bring you back to life!” Rikku giggled before she shushed the irate mage.

“Get ready everyone!” she whispered into the darkness as three figures came ever closer to the lobby’s entrance.

“Hello, anyone here?” Yuna’s voice called out, a hint of laughter present. One figure paused on the threshold.

“I’m not sure I like this…” Auron trailed off as he squinted into the darkness.

This was the cue. Suddenly the lights flared to life and dozens of guests – humans, Al Bhed, Guado and Ronso alike – sprang to their feet and roared, “Surprise!”

Auron looked like he was going to bolt for it, his one eye widening in realization, but Rikku had planned for just such an event. Before he could blink, Auron was hauled forward by Kimahri, with both Tidus and Wakka running to aid the Ronso. Together, they pulled a not-quite-but-almost-kicking-and-punching Auron into the hoards of guests.

Rikku trotted up, a wide grin on her face as the confetti bombs exploded, showering them all – but especially Auron – with confetti, streamers, and rubber chocobos. 

“Happy Birthday, Guardian Meanie!” she declared, waving her hands at the banners and balloons above. The grin widened even more as she produced his ‘birthday crown’ – a large hat shaped like a sitting chocobo nesting cozily in his hair. Auron blanched, his one eye narrowing dangerously.

“Rikku,” he asked in a low voice, “What is this?”

“Your birthday party, silly!” she cried, leading him over to the food table which had fortunately missed the rain of confetti. There, sitting pristinely in the middle, was the large yellow Chocobo cake.

“And why chocobos of all things? I hate chocobos,” Auron growled. Rikku gasped in mock horror.

“But these aren’t any chocobos! These are Choccy and Pals! Look,” she cried, tugging him over to the buffet and grabbing one of the party themed cups. “Look, that’s Choccy,” she told him condescendingly, pointing out the individual characters, “and that’s Mimi, his sorta girlfriend, and that’s Ghiki the monkey, and that’s Randolph, his sorta friend-slash-rival, and that’s…”

“Enough,” Auron sighed, rolling his eye. “I get the wider must-torment-the-poor-old-man picture.”

“You’re not old! You’re only what… 36?” Rikku asked, shaking her head. “And just look at all these people who came to wish you their best!” she waved at the mingling guests. Tidus and Wakka snickered, no longer holding on to Auron, but stationed nearby in case he tried to make a break for it.

Auron did take this moment to look around. It looked as though every blitzball team on Spira was present, whether they had been invited or not. Of course, it was a commonly known fact that blitzers flock to parties like vultures to carrion – it’s impossible to keep them away. As soon as one hears the words ‘free nog and candy’ they all come swarming in.

Well, free nog anyway. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker and all that.

There was also a healthy dose of Al Bheds and Besaidians in the crowd, judging by the bright fabrics and numerous pairs of goggles. But what surprised Auron were some of the others – Yevonite monks arguing pleasantly with Guados about what Yevon really looked like, Ronsos downing punch and chuckling with blitzers, and was that Tromell talking to Luzzu? He almost felt flattered at the number of people here to celebrate his birthday, outcast scourge that he was.

Of course, the abject humiliation of having a chocobo on your head put quite a damper on happy-fuzzy-feelings.

Anyway, Lulu lit the (many) candles on the cake (well, 36 and one to grow by), and the lights dimmed as everyone focused on the Irate, Grumbling Birthday Guardian. Auron shuffled forward, blew the candles out with a fierce breath, and then glared at Rikku with the look of the long suffering. His eye, however, was twinkling, and Rikku was ecstatic that he seemed to be having a grudgingly good time. Or happily plotting her imminent death, whatever.

Point was, it was time for round two.

“And here to help us cut the cake is none other than Choccy himself!” she crowed, whistling shrilly. Auron looked like a big red nidhogg caught in headlights as a giant goofy chocobo waddled up to him among the clapping and jeers from the guests. He (briefly) toyed with the idea of punching the giant mascot out… but he decided not to on the grounds that that person inside must surely feel more miserable than him. A kindred spirit, so to speak.

Then he wondered if he should do it anyway, and put the poor person out of their misery.

During his musings, the chocobo had danced up to Auron and was grinning at him with those large, glassy eyes.

“Happy birthday!” it chirped to him excitedly before moving over towards Rikku. All Auron saw next was a flash of yellow as the mascot glomped her, and the look on her face told him that it had put its wings someplace it shouldn’t have.

“Clasko! So help me…” she muttered before pushing him away. Auron’s eyes widened in realization.

Clasko. The only person on Spira who would enjoy quite willingly dressing up as a chocobo. Suddenly it all made sense, and Auron was regretting his former decision to not punch him. But the regret was short lived as he suddenly found himself standing before the large chocobo cake, holding a dull plastic knife and being blinded by flashes from multiple sphere recorders.

“It’s a good thing we gave him a plastic knife,” Tidus murmured to Rikku, who nodded fervently. Clasko had one wing draped around Auron’s shoulders, and Auron looked like he was contemplating just how much damage the meager weapon could inflict. 

“Cake! Cake!” Rikku shouted, starting up the chant. The blitzers – as she had known they would – soon chanted with her. Auron grunted, then with some relish sliced the cake chocobo’s head off, turned to the mascot chocobo and gave it a Look. Obviously, Clasko took the hint and bounced off towards Yuna.

“Hey, waitasecond…” Tidus grunted before going over to defend their summoner, who was far too nice to slap the overly-friendly bird.

Lulu had taken over cake-cutting duty, and was passing out the dessert. Rikku grinned wickedly as Auron took a small bite of cake, and deeming it edible, began to polish off the slice. Rikku inhaled her own, grinning at what she knew would come next.

“All right! Time for presents!” she cheered, grabbing a resigned Auron and dragging him off to the other side of the room, where a large yellow chocobo-throne awaited him. She plonked him down and starting hauling out gifts from where they’d been stacked haphazardly in the corner.

Auron perked up immediately… after all, who doesn’t like presents?! He ripped through the paper of each gift Rikku handed him, a small smirk hidden behind his collar as he surveyed his horde.

Most of the gifts were fairly predictable – enough jars of sword polish that his Masamune would never go dull again, bottles of nog (the ones from the blitzers were unsurprisingly empty), a couple of new swords, and three glass eyes – one in a startling shade of green that was a gift from Rin. He grunted his thanks for every gift – excepting the empty nog bottles, at which he glared Bickson into tears – and then ripped into the next present.

Reaching the bottom of the stack, Auron sliced open the paper on one of the last presents, and instantly knew who the gift was from without reading the card. Who else would give – well, anyone? – ‘The Proper Yevonite’s Guide to Self-Sacrifice’?

“Thanks, Shelinda,” he said unenthusiastically. The acolyte took no notice as she beamed at him.

“I’m just sorry I didn’t have time to get you a puppy!” she told him in her soft voice. He blinked, wondering suspiciously why Rikku looked like she was about to snort punch out her nose.

“Um… darn?” was his only reply as Rikku shoved a large flat box in his lap.

“And now a present from Yuna!” she declared, beaming. Auron missed the look of confusion on Yuna’s face, and the wink that Rikku sent her as he tore open the latest gift. He opened the box, pushed the paper aside, and gaped.

He held the strange gift up and tried to make sense of the weird, knitted thing. It was a deep red with bright yellow chocobos dancing across it. He shuddered as he tried to figure out what it was and failed miserably. A really really long sock? A bag? A…

“Oh look, it’s a sword cozy!” Rikku said, clapping her hands together. Tidus and Yuna both snorted with barely concealed laughter. Auron was too horrified to notice.

“A what?” he asked, hoping he had misheard.

“A sword cozy… to keep your sword warm at night! She knitted it herself!” Rikku gushed, praising the large knitted sheath. Auron looked at Rikku suspiciously before glancing at Yuna. By this time, Yuna had managed to compose her features into something akin to puppyish hope.

“Do you like it, Sir Auron?” she asked him, feigning a slightly worried pout. Auron blanched, grumbling to himself as he put Masamune into the tacky creation and begged the sword’s forgiveness in his head.

“Its great, Yuna,” he replied in a monotone voice. All of his fellow guardians grinned.

“And now our gift to you!” Wakka announced, hauling a large box forward and setting it down before Auron.

“This is from your fellow guardians! Happy birthday!” Tidus waved at the gift, beaming.

A feeling of dread settled over Auron as he looked from face to face. Surely it couldn’t be too awful. He reached to untie the ribbon. Surely Kimahri wouldn’t be so cruel towards him. He pulled the bow apart. Surely Lulu and Wakka at least would be too fearful to face his wrath. He slipped his fingers under the lid. Surely… were those air holes punched through the packaging?!

Realizing too late what was inside, the package gave an almighty squawk and a bright yellow fluffy thing pounced on him. The crowd of guests laughed as Auron’s new pet baby chocobo landed on his shoulder and squawked happily at his party hat, then tilted its head in confusion when the hat did not reply.

Auron, meanwhile, was glaring rather steadily at his fellow guardians, a rough and completely unenthusiastic “Thanks guys” barely making it past his collar. The others look at each other and beamed.

“We knew you’d like it!” Rikku said, patting him on the back.

“And what is its name?” he asked resignedly as the guests went back to their mingling. Rikku feigned surprise.

“Why, you get to name it yourself, of course!” she said, then reached in the box and pulled out a bright red leash. She deftly attached it to the collar about the little bird’s neck, then handed the lead to Auron. “He’s all yours. I expect you to walk him, feed him, and clean up after him. I am not going to take care of your pet, young man,” she warned him, skipping away before he could retaliate or chop off her head. “I’m getting more cake!”

Auron looked at the chocobo. The chocobo crooned and looked back at him. Despite himself, Auron smirked a little – just a little! – behind his collar.

“Clasko!” he heard Lulu screech, and then both man and bird watched in glee as Thundaga streaked out of the sky and fried the overly-friendly mascot.

“About time someone got him,” Auron muttered. The chocobo chirped in agreement, and Auron smirked. Perhaps chocobos weren’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter… Romance is in the air in the Calm Lands! Rikku is annoyed, Auron feels violated, and Tidus is confused.


	8. Sweet Lovin’ in the Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This longer chapter was inspired by pure evil, and the little green monkeys at Djose Temple. Enjoy.

“Come back here you little terror!” a voice roared through the still air of the Calm Lands Travel Agency. Heavy footsteps could be heard as a tiny chocobo tore out of the hallway, grey collar clutched in its beak as it ran like crazy for the entrance. Rikku laughed as Auron, still screaming bloody murder, chased the baby bird around outside the Agency’s entrance.

“Here Tweety-Tweety-Tweety!” Rikku cried, patting the ground beside her. The bird squealed, hopping over the fence and flapping feebly to reach her. Once beside her, it dropped the collar and cooed adoringly as Rikku gave him a hug.

An ominous pair of metal boots (attached to an equally ominous red trench coat) filled her vision. She looked up, leaning back with the bird still in her arms, and giggled at the sight of a collarless Auron.

“Lost something?” she asked. Auron merely grunted, reaching down and snatching the collar up petulantly.

“His name’s not ‘Tweety’.” Auron’s mouth tightened as the bird cooed. “His name is Raventhurst!” Tweety looked blankly at Auron, and Rikku was glad for the five hours she had spent the previous evening teaching the bird its new name. Who would name a cute little chocobo Raventhurst? Only Auron…

“Yeah yeah… whatever,” she sighed, rolling her eyes as the little bird hopped happily up on Auron’s shoulder and started preening its feathers. She grinned widely.

“I’m going out to train,” Auron declared, trying to look stern and failing miserably. He marched out of the Travel Agency, Raventhurst-slash-Tweety cooing from his place on the elder Guardian’s shoulder.

“Have fun!” she called out, waving goodbye. Now that the party planning was over, the group dynamics had returned to normal. Everyone was taking a little time off, getting in some extra training out on the plains. Wakka, Tidus, and Kimahri in particular were intent on catching fiends for the Monster Arena they had discovered whilst chocobo riding. Rikku, on the other hand, was catching up on her mixing and pranking more than anything else…

Speaking of which, here came her latest unwitting ally now.

“Has Sir Auron already left?” Shelinda asked softly, shuffling into the common area. While most of the party guests had already left the Calm Lands after the glorious birthday party, a few people had mysteriously remained. Clasko, for instance, could be found running about the Calm Lands catching chocobos for his fledgling breeding business, no pun intended. Maechen continued to corner Wakka at night with tales of Spira. And Shelinda now seemed to be torn between her worship of Yevon and a new-found devotion towards Auron.

“Yes, he went out to train, as usual,” Rikku told her. Shelinda let out a sigh.

“How brave and strong he is,” she sighed, “To keep moving forward with his desire to save Spira after all the suffering he’s been through.”

“Yeah, I know,” Rikku agreed.

“If only there was something I could do for him,” Shelinda trailed off. A little machina-powered light source bloomed over Rikku’s head.

“I have an idea,” Rikku drawled slowly, an evil grin spreading across her face.

*****

The Calm Lands Travel Agency was the picture of serenity when Auron slowly trudged back that evening. A gentle breeze rustled through the tall grass as the sun painted the sky with vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow as it neared the horizon. 

“Well, Raventhurst,” Auron stressed the bird’s name, “Let’s clean up, get dinner, and go to bed.”

The small chocobo grumbled from its spot on his shoulder.

“Too bad, we’ll get dinner in a moment,” Auron stated as they neared the entrance. “Clean up first.”

“Are you talking to your chocobo again?” Rikku asked, bouncing up out of nowhere. Auron was used to it by this point in the pilgrimage, barely ‘hmph’ing at her.

“Are you going to train at all during our stay here?” he asked sternly. “The fiends ahead are much more powerful.”

“I am training!” Rikku objected as they reached the hallway.

“Pranks and general mischief do not count,” he told her, rolling his eye behind his glasses. Raventhurst chirped grumpily. He smirked. “See, you’re outnumbered.”

“Whatever. See ya at dinner,” Rikku chirped, running back down the hall as Auron reached his door. He sighed, shaking his head at today’s youth as he opened the door and walked inside…

“What the –“

*****

“Rikku!” an angry voice echoed down the hallway. Yuna and her guardians looked up as one, then turned to Rikku.

“Why does he always blame everything on me?” she asked oh-so-innocently.

“Hm, let me think on that,” Lulu muttered sarcastically as Auron marched into the dining area.

“Why on Spira is my room overflowing with flowers and pink poetry?!” Auron exclaimed, throwing a fistful of heart-shaped letters down on the table. The others snorted as they reached for the cards, reading over the various scrawls.

“’Nidhoggs are red, Water Flans are blue, Nobody loves Spira as much as you’?!” Who wrote this?” Tidus exclaimed, laughing.

“Duh, his ‘Secret Admirer’,” Rikku said, pointing to the girlish script at the bottom. Auron frowned.

“Rikku…” he trailed off warningly.

“Ya, listen to this one! ’Sir Auron, Sir Auron, he’s our man, Here’s to Spira’s best Guardian!’” Wakka chortled.

“I think it’s sweet!” Yuna chirped, picking up another card and forcing herself not to cringe at the poetry.

“Um, Sir Auron…” the inn keeper trailed off, her arms full more pink cards, flowers, and puppy plushies. “Delivery for you,” she replied, dumping the newest mementos of adoration on the table and scurrying away. The two blitzers chortled, digging into the newest pile with zeal.

“Not more,” Auron sighed, then his eye narrowed as he watched Rikku try to creep away. “Rikku. Explain. NOW.” he commanded. She cringed, then mumbled two horrifying words under her breath.

“Care to repeat that?” he asked, hoping he had misheard her.

“Fan girls,” she replied, barely managing to keep her face straight.

“And why…” he trailed off as Wakka and Tidus burst out laughing, ”would I have fan girls?”

“Well… Shelinda wanted to do something to show her appreciation for your dedication to Spira, and so I – (cough) she decided to organize a fan club for you!” Rikku finished chirpily. “Isn’t it sweet!”

“No,” Auron stated. “My room is now pink. My bedspread is covered with pink cards and letters, and the flowers are pink and everywhere! We could barely move when we got inside!” he complained, motioning to Raventhurst, who cheeped forlornly.

Yuna opened her mouth to reply, before the entire group paused, danger-senses tingling.

“Ya, do you feel that?” Wakka asked grimly, readying a blitzball. The others nodded, a definite tremor rumbling in the ground beneath them. And it was getting stronger.

“Is that… earthquake?” Kimahri asked unsteadily. Yuna tried to reply – again – but this time the answer came from an outside source.

“Sir Auron!” several voices squealed in abject adoration. Auron blanched as the other party members – minus Rikku – froze in shock at the spectacle before them.

“Worse… fan girls!” Tidus replied in horror, only too used to such scenes from his Zanarkand days. There, in the Agency entrance, stood a large group of women, love and worship mingling in their eyes. As they caught sight of the ashen faced legend, their expressions took on a distinct edge of bloodlust.

“Sir AURON!” one cooed, and then the group surged as one towards him.

Naturally, Auron also chose that moment to flee in almighty terror.

*****

Once the dust had settled, and the remaining party members righted themselves and chugged a few potions to keep the internal bleeding at bay, their ever-present sense of humor returned.

“I swear I just saw one of the Ronso blitzers in that dust cloud…” Wakka announced. Kimahri grunted in agreement.

“I never thought I’d see the old man run so fast,” Tidus chortled, picking up some more poetry that one of the fan girls had dropped. 

Yuna gingerly picked up an Auron plushie that looked a little overly-loved.

“What disturbs me,” Lulu began, making her way through the chaos, “Is that I swear I saw that guardian of Dona’s in there. What’s his name… Barthello?” The others paused, horrified.

“I wondered if that was him… I think he’s the one that dropped the plushie,” Rikku whispered, cradling a quivering Raventhurst to herself, whilst Yuna dropped the doll quickly.

“Lulu. Burn it. Burn it now,” she ordered, disgust thickening her voice. “And burn my hands off while you’re at it.”

*****

And no, Lulu did not burn Yuna’s hands off for her. Her remaining guardians finally convinced her – after a long and hard debate – that she kinda needed those for the pilgrimage. Of course, it wasn’t until after Rikku stole back the Fire Gems from her that they convinced their Lady Summoner that soap and water – and lots of it – would do the trick.

*****

Auron had hated the Maze of Sorrow. Tainted sake jug incident notwithstanding, he had felt a deep sense of loathing for that place, and the many innocent lives it was responsible for ending. So it came as something of a surprise to him to discover that yes, he hated the Calm Lands even more, a feat he had not thought possible. 

It was the damn lack of convenient hiding places that made what should have been an oasis of training and leveling up a nightmarish hell.

Auron ran. And ran. And cursed the fact that his red coat was another hindrance due to the fact that its bright color shone like a beacon to the blood-thirsty eyes of the fan girls. Like sharks, they followed its sheen as he ducked and dodged his way about the rapidly darkening plains. 

And why the hell couldn’t anyone find the chocobo trainer when they actually needed her?

Hiding behind the agency, Auron shucked his coat hurriedly. He loved his coat – had it before he’d ever met Braska – but some things, he reasoned, were not worth ‘dying’ over. Especially at the hands of crazed otakus.

Eyes narrowed, he spotted a likely target as the thundering of many feet came closer. He aimed carefully, and then launched his swift attack against his unsuspecting victim.

The now-cloaked anacondaur wasn’t quite sure what the hell was going on, but it had a bad feeling about this.

Sure enough, its fears were soon realized as the strange human threw himself to the ground, hiding in the tall grass as the piercing shrieks of “There he is!” assaulted its delicate fiendish ears. 

Auron, needless to say, was taken aback when the fiend turned to him with a distinct I-may-be-a-fiend-but-my-momma-didn’t-raise-no-fool expression and promptly attacked itself. Auron’s coat flopped uselessly to the ground as the resultant pyreflies made good their escape.

“Damn it!”

“Sir Auron! Are you injured? We’ll nurse you back to health!” the voices cried.

Auron cursed, grabbed his coat, and ran.

*****

Night fell uneasily over the Calm Lands. An unusual silence had settled across the landscape as chocobos and fiends alike squirreled themselves away. Because face it, nothing drives off fiends (and humans and chocobos) like half-crazed, lust-driven fan girls.

A dark figure slowly righted itself, having crawled through the tall grass for several hundred meters before finally making a mad dash for the Travel Agency. Yes, it was Auron, who was silently cursing the fact that he hadn’t learned the Silence or Dark attacks yet, because blinded, muted fan girls would never have given him a killer headache like the one he had now.

And speaking of fan girls, they had to sleep at some point… Right?

“There he is!!”

Guess not. Auron hurtled towards the hallway, squeals of adoration echoing in his wake.

He passed his own room, dodging into the first likely (and unwisely unlocked) doorway he came across. Slamming the door and locking it, he kept his ear pressed against the woodwork, listening as the swarm of footsteps receded… for the moment. Incoherent mumbling met his ears, and he turned slowly, fearing the worst.

And then he smiled. And had the room’s occupant been awake to see that particular smile, he would’ve been running for Mt. Gagazet in a heartbeat.

*****

Tidus awoke slowly, stretching his tired muscles before burrowing deeper into his nice, soft bedding. Yesterday had been a long day, as he, Kimahri, and Wakka scoured the Calm Lands for fiends for the Monster Arena. And they had had to scour quite far, because the area about the Travel Agency had been oddly bereft of any and all life forms. The few fiends they had found, however, were quick to impale themselves on their specialty ‘catching’ weapons, making it an extremely fruitful day.

Tidus smiled to himself. He really liked the Calm Lands, despite all the negative connotations they had. They were peaceful, with wide open skies that, at night, seemed to hold an infinite dusting of stars – something he’d never really gotten to see past Zanarkand’s neon glow. And during the day the wind whispered through the tall grasses like the voices of the past coming to give advice to any and all travelers as they trudged on their way to meet their destinies…

And speaking of wind in the grass… he could’ve sworn it was whispering louder than normal. And was that a… squeal? Wind didn’t squeal, did it?

Tidus opened his eyes slowly, a sense of doom settling upon him.

*****

Meanwhile, at this exact moment inside the Travel Agency…

(And yes, you did read that right.)

Rikku slurped happily away at her morning hot cocoa, wondering where in machina heaven her sidekick was. Today Yuna had opted to return to Remiem Temple for more training, with Lulu and Kimahri accompanying her. Given the fact that Tweety-slash-Raventhurst was still snoring alongside Wakka when she peeked in their room, she figured Auron was still MIA. So where was Tidus? If he didn’t come along soon – it took the two of them to wake Wakka when Lulu and her well-placed Thundaga wasn’t around – they’d never catch up with their summoner.

She pondered this deeply, also wondering at the same time how exactly she knew the Al Bhed sitting across the room. Blond hair, goggles, bright yellow and orange clothes… he looked oddly familiar… was she related to him somehow? She tried to make a mental list of all her cousins, before she was quite horrifically interrupted.

“Hi Rikku!” a happy voice chirped from behind her. She froze.

“Morning, Clasko,” she replied hesitantly, turning slowly in her chair.

“Ready for your lesson?” If possible, her eyes became even wider.

“What… lesson?” she replied. Clasko gave a hearty guffaw, grabbing her arm and pulling her to her feet.

“Why, your chocobo riding lesson, of course! Auron told me last night how much you enjoyed taking care of Raventhurst, and how you were too shy to approach me about lessons! So come on! I’ve got a couple to birds waiting outside…” he jabbered on as Rikku – unfortunately – went limp with shock. The only thought running through her panic-stricken mind was something along the lines of,

“I’ll get you for this Auron!”

And she could’ve sworn she saw that strange Al Bhed smirk as she was bodily dragged away.

*****

About the same time the strange screaming outside ended, Rikku was twitching uncontrollably for the third time on this pilgrimage, with Wakka and Tweety trying unsuccessfully to calm her down.

“But I thought you were able to pawn him off on the chocobo trainer after like five minutes, ya?” Wakka said, vaguely wondering why no one else seemed to notice the fact that there had a) been loud, painful screaming outside just a few minutes ago, and b) that said screaming had now dwindled to a raspy death gurgle.

“Any time spent with Clasko is a violation of human dignity. I demand my rights,” she muttered, her eyes unblinking as she rocked slowly in a sitting fetal position.

“What rights?” Wakka wondered out loud.

“I’m not quite sure. You Yevonites are sure more evil than I would’ve ever supposed…” she shivered once again. Wakka let the slur slide for now… she was obviously too far gone to even listen to him.

A figure staggered into the Agency, and Tweety’s squeal of terror alerted the two Guardians to its presence.

“Auron?” Wakka asked hesitantly as the dazed, bloodied figure stumbled towards them, sunglasses hanging from one ear above the tattered coat and collar. Rikku squinted against the light, before gasping…

“Tidus?!” she ran to the blitzer before he fell to the ground. She ripped the top off a Hi-Potion, practically forcing it down his throat. With Wakka’s help, they dragged their friend to the table and sat him in the chair, Tweety cooing in concern all the while.

“Why are you dressed like Sir Auron, ya?” Wakka asked puzzled. Rikku took a good look at Tidus, now that he was sitting upright. His hair had been colored black, and it looked like someone had drawn a jagged scar down one side of his face. Coupled with the coat, collar, and sunglasses, he really did look like a younger Auron with slightly shaggier hair.

“I don’t know,” Tidus replied in a daze. “I just… woke up. My bedding was outside… there were all these fan girls around me…”

Wakka and Rikku looked at each other, concerned.

“And when they found out I wasn’t him…” Tidus shuddered. “I tried to reason with them, but they’re fan girls. You just can’t reason with fan girls...”

Wakka patted him on the shoulder consolingly while Rikku searched her pouch for another potion. A gleam caught her eye, however, and she found herself glancing at the rogue Al Bhed across the lobby again. Eyes narrowed, she stood up suddenly, Tidus flinching away from the sudden movement.

“Tweety!” she screeched, and the bird instantly came to attention. She pointed at the other Al Bhed threateningly. “Fetch.”

The little bird dashed across the lobby before the other occupant could escape. The bird pounced, squawking as it latched on to the Al Bhed’s long blond hair and pulled…

“Nice goggles… Sir Auron!” Rikku screamed as the bird came barreling back towards her, blond wig firmly clamped in his beak. Rikku grabbed him before he could dash back over to his master.

Sir Auron – for yes, the bright eyesore across the lobby was in fact he – raised his goggles slowly, cringing as Rikku grabbed the commsphere from her belt pouch and punched the necessary buttons. 

“Rikku… what are you…” he never got to finish as her next words answered him.

“This is Swirly to home base. The aeon is in the chamber. Repeat. The aeon is in the chamber,” she hissed, her glare never leaving him. She turned off the commsphere as the thundering of many feet grew louder.

“Payback for the lessons, bit–“ was all Auron heard before he vaulted the foyer’s fence for greater parts unknown.

*****

It was early afternoon before Tidus could speak in whole sentences again. During that time, the Agency had been relatively quiet, with one guardian twitching, one guardian stewing, and one guardian nervously glancing between the two. The tension finally broke Wakka, and he volunteered to go get the chocobos from the trainer by himself.

A thought finally hit Rikku, and the pure evilness of her grin was what awoke Tidus from his stupor.

“Tidus… tell me again about Djose temple…”

*****

Night once again settled uneasily over the Calm Lands. 

Auron sighed, trudging silently through the Agency entrance. He had fortunately lost the fan girls a couple of hours ago – the group had stumbled across Clasko and the chocobo trainer “training” together, and had consequently gone into incoherent shock. He grinned. ‘Now that’s what I call a Mental Break…’

He hoped this would give him time to settle down to sleep for once, even if only for a very few hours. It was like training – the most intense training he had ever undergone in the whole course of his life (and un-life). If it hadn’t been for Rikku, perhaps he could’ve gone incognito longer… damn it.

Auron glanced both ways down the hallway outside his room. It was utterly quiet – too quiet perhaps, but he wasn’t pushing it. He unlocked the door and stealthily slipped inside, shedding his gear noiselessly by the doorway before slipping gratefully into bed.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed – minutes, hours – but it was still dark outside when a rustling noise caught his attention. Many rustling noises, in fact. And something was moving under the blanket… and it was not him.

“Raventhurst, is that you?” he asked hesitantly, before a swarm of creatures – small and distinctly not-yellow – jumped on top of him.

*****

Somewhere not-so-very far down the hall, two blonds smiled evilly as the rest of the agency was awoken by what sounded like the screams of an extremely gruff-voiced little girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes… hmph. Raventhurst is a Basil Rathbone reference... BR rocks! The monkeys were inspired by Djose Temple… you see them crawling all over Auron there, so they inspired this final prank. And I realized in editing that I had renamed Valefor Tweety, and the chocobo is Tweety, but I'm too lazy right now to go be original or go fix either, so meh!
> 
> Next Chapter: In which what the hell just happened is finally revealed, and our three erstwhile pranksters get seriously annoyed with each other… like that’s anything new.


	9. Time Out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Time (Because it should be reiterated):
> 
> He wasn’t sure how much time passed – minutes, hours – but it was still dark outside when a rustling noise caught his attention. Many rustling noises, in fact. And something was moving under the blanket… and it was not him.
> 
> “Raventhurst, is that you?” he asked hesitantly, before a swarm of creatures – small and distinctly not-yellow – jumped on top of him.
> 
> *****
> 
> Somewhere not-so-very far down the hall, two blonds smiled evilly as the rest of the agency was awoken by what sounded like the screams of an extremely gruff-voiced little girl.

Half an hour later…

“I feel so violated. Completely, utterly violated.” Auron trailed off, twitching at the memory. Rikku and Tidus grinned from the other side of the foyer.

“Serves you right!” Rikku chirped. “You nearly got Tidus killed!”

“Yeah!” Tidus agreed, shivering at the memory. “And not to mention Clasko… and Rikku…” he shuddered again.

Yuna merely rolled her eyes. “Will you three ever get along? We’ll never finish this pilgrimage if we keep fighting amongst ourselves!” she exclaimed.

“And that would be bad… why?” Rikku muttered under her breath. Tidus nodded.

“That’s all the more reason to keep it up!” he whispered. Apparently, it was not quiet enough, for Yuna frowned at him.

“And not only did you two wake the entire agency, but you broke Sir Auron!” she yelled, pointing at the twitching elder guardian, who had several (very lucky) fan girls hovering about him adoringly. He was too far gone to care, and the fan girls were too happy to have a docile Auron to attack Tidus and Rikku for their transgressions.

“Well, it’s not like we knew the monkeys would be so… frisky,” Rikku explained with a shrug. “Apparently, Auron has quite the animal magnetism.” 

One of the fan girls cooed in response.

Yuna forced away the smile that was threatening to break loose. “Everyone back to bed! Wakka, put Sir Auron in your room for the rest of the night,” Yuna gestured, much to the chagrin of the fan girls. Tidus and Rikku made their escape from the angry summoner while she and Lulu pried a still incoherent Auron away from his devotees.

It was several minutes (and Firagas) later before the summoner and her remaining guardians successfully pried him away.

“Actually,” she began, a smile forming as she watched his twitching form, “I have a better idea.”

*****

Yuna knew something had to be done with her three erstwhile Guardians, and fast. At the rate the pranks were escalating, they would soon cause more damage to Spira than the current incarnation of Sin! This reassurance, however, that it was ‘all for the sake of Spira’ didn’t relieve her guilt complex much.

It’s a known fact that all Travel Agencies tend to be built from a mixture of native resources and cobbled together machina parts – and with Rin being the cutthroat entrepreneur that he was, the storerooms in particular were almost Ultima-proof. Which was fortunate, considering just who they were planning to lock inside said storeroom.

Luckily, a deeply disturbed Sir Auron was an obscenely easy-to-manipulate Sir Auron, so they had no problem convincing him – after removing his sword for the safety of all parties involved – that the storeroom would be the best place for him to hide from the evil little monkeys. 

Yuna felt slightly guilty at how incredibly easy it was to trick Tidus. All it took was a single head tilt, a nervous wringing of her hands, and he was only too happy to go in and take care of ‘the big bad fiend that somehow got in the storeroom’ for her.

The guilt somewhat dispersed when she was forced to have Wakka cast Silence on the door a few minutes later. She hadn’t known Tidus could yell quite so loud.

Rikku, however, was a wily one. Yuna knew they’d never trick her into the storeroom with any direct approach. So it was with some reluctance that she enlisted the aide of the Agency clerk and traveling salesman. It is another well known fact that no Al Bhed can resist a good gag… and it didn’t hurt that the clerk was some-kind-of-pissed about the whole monkeys-in-the-guestroom thing. The final phase of Yuna’s sinister plan began at breakfast… brunch… whatever.

*****

Rikku vaguely wondered – without much apprehension, mind – where everyone was. Auron, she figured, was probably propped in a corner somewhere, still drooling on himself. Or plotting her imminent demise, whatever – nothing new. And Yuna was probably over at Remiem, with Lulu and Kimahri, and Tidus and Wakka were probably, erm, training or something. Point was, it was much too early in the – she looked at her watch – afternoon to care.

She went up to the counter, thanking the cheerful clerk as she handed Rikku her first-of-many daily doses of sugar. She found an empty table – which really, wasn’t difficult – and sat down to drink and plot.

“So, did Rin ever figure out what that weird machina that he discovered over by the Scar does?” the traveling agent asked, leaning on the counter as he packed his provisions. Rikku’s ear twitched. Weird machina?

“No. I don’t think he ever did,” the clerk sighed, then grinned and whispered conspiratorially. “Of course, Rin is no machina genius. For all his entrepreneurial skill, he can barely tell which end of a screwdriver is which!” The two giggled, and Rikku had to nod in agreement. Rin was widely known to suck at anything mechanical.

“Too bad, too,” the salesman sighed, “It sure looked like it must have some amazing powers. Sparkly too.”

‘Oo… sparkly powerful machina…’ The words danced in Rikku’s head, cocoa forgotten. ‘Sparkly… must see…’ she absently wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth.

“Well, too late now. It’s locked in the storeroom, and only a master mechanic can break in there. He wants me to scrap it this afternoon,” the clerk shook her head, shrugging as if to say, ‘what can I do?’ Meanwhile, Rikku’s brain had frozen.

‘Sparkly… scrap… sparkly… storeroom… scrap sparkly! NO!’

Rikku made a mad thieverly dash for the storeroom, and had they not been intently watching for just such an event, the clerk and salesman would never have seen her disappear. As it was, they merely smirked.

*****

“Kimahri think this bad idea…”

“Sh! She’ll hear you,” Yuna shushed him, as the four conspirators watched Rikku tiptoe stealthily down the hall from a crack in Yuna’s bedroom door.

“Is she… humming?” Wakka asked bemusedly.

Yes, the ‘Mission Impossible’ Theme had indeed returned.

*****

Rikku paused outside the storeroom, lock picks glinting in her hand. She pushed them slowly into the lock, focused intently on the task before her. One tumbler, two… tricky third… she just couldn’t let Rin scrap yet another cool piece of machina… third down… tumbler four was a bit sticky… who knew what this one did… still sticky… it could be a super cool weapon… still sticky… or maybe an ancient brainwashing device that she could use to convince Yuna to drop the pilgrimage… still sticky… or make Auron squawrk like a chocobo, that’d be cool… fourth down, last tumbler to go… or it could make candy!... just a little bit more… Rikku likes candy… 

Click. Rikku shivered in anticipation as she pushed the door slowly open. This would be the best thing ever… machina heaven!

And then a very large, distinctly furry paw shoved her forcibly into the room, the door slamming shut behind her with an ominous and very final-sounding boom.

“Welcome to Hell, Rikku, welcome to Hell,” a deep, very recognizable voice echoed from the darkness. As the implications settled, she gulped, her mouth suddenly dry. She would’ve gladly welcomed Sin into her airship for tea and crumpets over this…

“Oh, vilg…”

*****

“So, ya, why’d we do that again?” Wakka asked, scratching his head.

“Well, I believe the three of them need to settle their differences, so either they’ll be forced to learn to get along…” Yuna trailed off.

“Or the four of us had better train harder, since we’ll now be short three guardians,” Lulu finished, crossing her arms. The Black Mage, Summoner, and Ronso looked at each other knowingly, and then as one headed outside for more training.

“Ya, I’ll sure miss them… maybe…” Wakka trailed off before following the others.

*****

“Hey! Let me out of here!!” Rikku pounded on the door, knuckles already red and painful-looking – as if she could see them in the dark – a panicking Tidus beside her.

“Yuna! Help!”

“You might as well conserve your energy, you two,” the deep voice of Auron sighed from the other side of the room, “They are the ones who locked us in here to begin with.”

“Shut up! Yuna wouldn’t want to see me dead like that…” Rikku trailed off, thinking hard. “I’m pretty sure, anyway.”

“I thought she liked me!” Tidus whined. Auron sighed, before something cold and wet smacked into both younger guardians. They yelped.

“Did you just hit us with an Ice Gem?” Rikku screeched, wiping the ice frantically away from where it had fallen down her shirt. Thank Ancestors that it was pitch-black in here…

“Yup.”

Both Rikku and Tidus paused, the very not-Auron response confusing them momentarily. Auron used this moment to throw another Ice Gem. With a Lightning Gem for good measure. 

(Honestly, he had no idea what he was throwing. He could’ve been throwing cookies for all he knew. It was pitch black, he was still wearing his sunglasses, and this was the first open box he could find. All he really knew was that whatever he was throwing was making them shut up, and that was okay in his book.)

“Auron,” Rikku started after she got over her lightning-induced shock (no pun intended, which makes it funnier). She heard Tidus skitter away from her, apparently a little unnerved at the evilly calm tone of her voice. 

“Auron. If you keep this up, I’m going to use my Claw, and I’m going to Stab. You. To. Death! And then… then, I’ll have Yuna revive your sorry ass so I can do it again!” she finished with a screech. Auron’s corner was silent for a long moment, before…

“Bring it on, Swirly,” his voice taunted, before another Lightning Gem exploded at her feet.

*****

“Thank you, Snuff… er, Ifr… um…” Yuna grimaced, a suddenly grumpy Aeon disappearing as the Malboro’s pyreflies danced before them.

“Whark!” a little voice chirped, and Yuna cooed as Raventhurst-slash-Tweety bounced out of the grass behind them.

“Aw, hi… Tweety?” she asked, and grinned as the chocobo chirped at her. At least she got one name right… she knelt down, and smiled wider as the chocobo nuzzled her hand.

“He is awfully precious, isn’t he?” Lulu stated, kneeling down to pet the bird as well.

And no, Wakka did not instantly go brain dead and start drooling at the sight of knelt-over Lulu before him.

Really.

Truly.

…

Well…

Kimahri sighed, thinking that there were so many jokes he could make about this, if jokes about Wakka and his brain cells – or possible lack thereof – weren’t already so overly-redundant in fan fiction.

That, and he really didn’t like talking much. 

And the moment had sorta passed…

And what the hell was a fan fiction anyway?

Anywho, by this point Lulu had placed her Moogle down in front of the little chocobo, who in turn had tilted its head and wharked at it curiously, before nudging it with his beak.

“Aw, he thinks its people,” Yuna squealed, smiling. Lulu frowned, about to ask why it wasn’t people, when Tweety did something that distracted them all – even Wakka – completely.

“Hey!” Lulu screamed, as the little chocobo grabbed the bauble hanging from the Moogle’s head and made a mad dash – stuffed doll and all – away from the Summoner’s party for better parts unknown.

“Bring that back you little terror!” she screamed, chasing after him.

*****

“When I find you, you’re dead!” Rikku screamed, scrambling over boxes in the dark, swiping about with her Devastator as flames burst before her from yet another item-attack.

Tidus, pressed up against the door so as to stay out of her murderous little way, was rather awed by all the new curse words he was learning. In Al Bhed, no less. ‘She puts the spectators at the Zanarkand Dome to shame,’ he thought, deeply impressed.

And Auron… Auron was highly, highly amused, going so far as to smile openly, since no one could see him anyway. Seeing as how Rikku couldn’t kill him – too late, even if she could find him – and how easy it was to find her in the dark – maybe if she would just shut up and stop making it so damn easy – he even went so far as to chuckle, softly, to himself.

“Ready to give up yet?” he taunted.

“NO you vilgehk pycdynt…” her rage made the rest indecipherable as she leapt over the boxes towards the sound of his voice.

Tidus, again, was impressed at how silently Auron could move as Rikku, not for the first nor the last time, screamed at finding nothing in the dark.

*****

“Pom-pom!” Lulu cried, running up to her bedraggled Moogle sitting dazedly in the grass. As she knelt before it, frantically giving it a once over, the others looked at each other oddly, before ultimately deciding to let the weird name – and any jokes about it – pass. They liked their various extremities where they were – i.e., still attached to their bodies – very much, thank you.

Okay, really, Yuna and Kimahri looked at each other. Wakka was a little busy drooling just then.

And naturally, that gave Evil the perfect moment in which to strike.

“Wha… Hey! Dat’s my blitzball!” Wakka cried, as a small, fluffy yellow demon streaked back into the grass.

“Whark!”

“Catch dat bird!”

*****

“When I… can move… again…” Rikku gasped from her spot on the floor.

“I’m so dead. I know, Rikku, I know,” Auron’s voice echoed, the note of satisfaction unmistakable.

Before Rikku could retort, the forlorn little voice of Tidus distracted her.

“Why would Yuna do this to me…” he trailed off sadly. Rikku ‘aw’ed inwardly.

“Well, Tidus, she obviously thinks that you – really, all of us – deserve this punishment,” Auron answered. Tidus sniffled, while Rikku frowned.

“You meanie!”

“You know its true,” Auron stated matter-of-factly. Rikku shrugged.

“I know that! But you still don’t have to say it like that!” Rikku fussed as Tidus continued to sniffle. “You hurt his feelings! Didn’t you ever have a girlfriend? Like, ever?” Rikku taunted.

“Well, actually…” Auron began, and even Tidus stopped pouting as both younger guardians leaned forward eagerly.

*****

“Whark!”

“How can it even run and carry my staff like that? It’s twice his size!” Yuna panted, as she – and her three guardians – followed the spiteful little monster on its mission of doom.

Wakka halfheartedly shrugged as he ran, hoping the Agency clerk had a patch-kit he could use to fix all the baby-chocobo-claw punctures on his precious weapon.

*****

Meanwhile…

“So you really rejected the high priest’s daughter? Whoa…” Tidus trailed off, whistling.

“You got guts, Auron,” Rikku agreed, impressed. This story was almost as good as the farce she had made up for Shelinda.

Auron nodded his head in acknowledgement, before realizing that no one could see him. The silence that ensued for the next few minutes was oddly comfortable.

“So, how soon do you think they’re going to let us out?” Tidus asked with a sigh. “I still can’t believe Yuna did this…”

“Speaking of Yuna, I had an idea…” Rikku began, and the other two guardians could almost hear the evil grin she now sported.

*****

Kimahri grunted as he and Wakka tried to wrestle his spear away from the baby chocobo… who knew they could be so strong?

Lulu cradled Pom-pom closer. She wasn’t about to go through this again.

*****

“So, I’m thinking that what Yuna really needs to do is train more at hand-to-hand combat techniques with her staff… I mean, normally people think, ‘hey, angry summoner equals aeon on my ass’. But Seymour’d never see 60 inches of solid oak dowel comin’ right at him!” Rikku finished, her arms shooting into the air in exuberance. 

Auron nodded. “That’s actually a sound idea, Rikku,” he agreed.

“But…” Tidus gulped, “I thought we beat him for good this time?” 

Rikku shook her head. “You think that, Tidus, if it gives you comfort…”

“Hm, I may add that to her training regimen…” Auron continued to himself, ignoring their interplay. “Rikku!”

“Yessir!” she saluted in the darkness.

“What about the others?” he asked, a smile forming.

“Oo!” she squealed, “Well…”

*****

Tweety-Raven chirped in glee. It was so nice of them to play with him while his master was playing in the storeroom with the nice sugar lady and fluffy-headed chocobo wannabe! Tweety having fun!

*****

“I bet Kimahri could help… but we need to work on him as well,” Rikku finished, after they glossed over new fighting techniques for their other party members. Even Tidus had been distracted from his pouting long enough to add his ideas where he saw fit.

“Maybe Wakka could help him out?” Tidus pondered out loud. Both Rikku and Auron considered this.

“True, Kimahri could use more speed and strength…” Auron mused.

“…and he doesn’t speak enough for Wakka’s funky dialect to affect him…” Rikku continued his train of thought. They both chuckled.

“Ouch…” Tidus smiled. “Better not let him hear that. He might get angry with you…”

“Oh, what’s he gonna do? Throw a blitzball at me?” Rikku asked sarcastically. Tidus snorted.

“How does that even work, anyhow? I mean sure, it can leave one heck of a bruise…” he laughed. 

Auron smirked. “Lamest weapon ever,” he added.

“Um, excuse me? Magic casting dolls?” Rikku reminded them, before they all three burst into laughter.

“Okay, got me there,” Auron agreed.

*****

The chocobo trainer watched, from the hill overlooking the Agency, as the sun began to set over the Calm Lands. Normally, this beautiful sight never failed to impress her, but this evening she was – oddly enough – distracted by the sight of that young summoner and her guardians chasing a little baby chocobo around and around. Hadn’t she told that nice Al Bhed girl about his troublesome streak? That baby chocobo loved swiping things mysteriously too large for it and could run for hours, happily being chased like it was the best game ever…

Come to think of it, she had told the little guardian that. Because she distinctly remembered how unnerved she became when the girl merely smiled and uttered, “He’s perfect,” in that strangely satisfied tone.

*****

It was near dark when the bedraggled, sweaty, achy, dirt-besmirched Summoner and her guardians trudged into the Travel Agency. The clerk took one look at the group and promptly shut the counter down for the evening so she could go laugh in her room in peace.

Of course, she got a nice picture of them with her memory sphere before fleeing.

Yuna and company shuffled down the hallway, stopping before the storeroom door. Pulling out the key, Yuna readied her staff, preparing herself to cast Curaga, Life, Esuna, and probably every Nul-Spell (and then some) as the door opened.

What none of them expected to see was Auron – and Rikku – and Tidus – all three – sitting in front of the door together, shoulder to shoulder, laughing hysterically at some story Rikku was trying to tell them.

Well, Rikku was sporting some rather interesting new scorch marks on her clothing, but none of them actually noticed that. You know, the whole buddy-buddy vibe was a bit distracting.

“Um…” Yuna trailed off as they looked up at her, blinking in the light. “Have you… er… learned your lesson?”

“Well, I don’t know guys? Have we?” Rikku smirked, looking at the other two. Auron grinned – actually grinned! – at her. Even Kimahri’s jaw dropped in shock.

“That remains to be seen,” he replied, getting to his feet and dusting his coat off, before reaching down and giving Rikku a hand up. Tidus looked curiously at Yuna.

“Is that… a chocobo feather in your hair?” he asked, as Rikku linked her arms with him and Auron as they left the room. As if he had said the magic word, Tweety popped out of a nearby doorway, squealing tiredly at his master as he flapped to Auron’s shoulder.

“Aw, hi Raventhurst!” Rikku gushed, as the bird cooed in response. Lulu flinched, clutching her muddy Moogle protectively.

“Tweety, did you have a busy day?” Auron asked, as the three – together! – made their way out of the room and towards the lobby, the others watching in shock and feeling crushed by tangible, impending doom.

Yuna gulped. She had a really bad feeling about this.

“Um, guys, I think dat was more disturbing than chasing da chocobo all afternoon,” Wakka gulped, watching the three new best friends walking away from them. The Ronso grunted.

“Bad. Idea. Kimahri told you so…” he snarled, before walking down the hallway and locking himself in his room. The others looked at each other before scrambling to do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The group finally leaves the Calm Lands! And Yuna and the others regret the ‘team unity’ they have spawned. Like no one saw that coming.
> 
> See ya next time!


	10. Chapter 10

Okay, I hate to do this - really hate to do this - but this story is going on a short short break.

I've been trying to rewrite this chapter because it just isn't funny. And for a humor fic, that's kinda critical. 

The same thing happened with chapter 8 - that one got kinda mean the first go round, and the only way I solved it was by backing away for a couple of weeks and then trying again. 

Hopefully it won't take that long, and the stuff coming after is mostly prepped, so we'll be good to go after a brief break.

And I promise to post the next two chapters at once, to make up for this inconvenience.

So see you soon!!

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter One Al Bhed Translations:  
> Kehho = Ginny (name tribute to HP)  
> “Rin! Tuac Kehho cdemm fung rana?” = “Rin! Does Kehho still work here?”  
> “Cra’c caaehk du dra nuusc zicd huf.” = “She’s seeing to the rooms just now.”  
> “Xielg, Kehho, lryhka lmudrac fedr sa!" = “Quick, Kehho, change clothes with me!”  
> “Fryd?!” = “What?!”
> 
> I post on Wednesdays and Sundays. See you soon with chapter two, “Auron’s Retribution”.


End file.
